my very exciting Friday night

And I'm not being sarcastic. For once.

I dropped everything and went to where I knew this guy would be hanging out.

He is one of the few men on the face of the earth who can completely boss me around. OK, he may very well be the only one.

Sorry, Pastor.

wide load

I hate Payless.

Visit to store #1 to buy red Kenley button sandals. I saw them in a magazine!

Have in my size, but they are scratched. OH, and it's buy one pair, get the next half off, so I HAVE to find another pair. Have to. Not a problem. Want to buy two pairs of shoes, but guess what? They don't have another non-scratched pair of the red Kenley button sandals.

Am given piece of paper with COUPON if I go purchase the shoes at another Payless. Yes, they tell you what Payless's to go to. Go to Payless #2, and they have the red Kenley button sandals BUT NOT THE OTHER PAIR OF SHOES I WANT. I ask sales lady "do you have these in a 7 NOT wide" to which she replies "that shoe only comes in wide."

Uhhhhhh, nuh uh.

Yes it does. (Yes, please argue with me.)

I JUST TRIED IT ON NOT WIDE AT ANOTHER PAYLESS.

By this time, I decide to go the route which always makes me happiest, using a machine which allows me to avoid dealing with people. I decide to just go home and order shoes from the www.

Guess what? One of the two pairs - I can't order on-line.

This would only be an actual crisis if I didn't already own like a hundred pair of shoes.

thankfully, he uses his powers for good and not evil

The Pastor and I had joint doctor appointments. The Pastor is freakishly competitive, and it bothered him that my pulse was lower than his. Mine was 64, thank you very much.

So he sits in the doctor's office and wills his pulse to lower to beat me. He managed to get his pulse down one point.

He didn't try to beat my blood pressure though. My blood pressure was something like 91/54. The Pastor said I was "practically dead" and he didn't want any part of that.

belly-dancing mom of middle-schooler

It's official. I am now the mother of a middle-schooler. Somehow, he is old enough to be in the sixth grade, yet I haven't aged a day.

conversation beginning about a half a mile from school this morning:

Nate: Are you going to go inside with me?

Me: It's up to you. It sounds like you have a handle on where you're supposed to go.

Nate: Well, I think some kids will be by themselves and I think some kids will be with their parents, so if you WANT to go inside with me I think that'll be ok.

Of course, I went inside. Probably the last chance I'll get to do that. Fortunately, I had on a cute dress and not the belly dancer outfit I had on yesterday (long story) which I threatened to wear when I drove him to school this morning. Nate was mortified by the belly dancer outfit, but the Pastor seemed to like it.

Nate will be fine. And as for me, I actually made it home before I started to cry, so I guess with the exception of belly dancing outfits I'm starting to grow up too.

naturally

I got sick just as soon as I got home.

Stupid allergies!

Stupid re-circulated, contaminated air on airplanes!

Plus it was probably taxing on my immune system. You know, to go from a complete, relaxing vacation, to come home where I have to do absolutely nothing.

I'm almost better. And speaking of naturally, I'm getting my hair highlighted tomorrow. That always makes a girl feel better.

the end

it was a great trip

pregnant???

only with luggage

:)

To a certain friend of mine: do you like my long shorts and my I.N.C. shirt?

Oh, and look at the pearls the Pastor got me.

the pool that runs right into the ocean

Bahamas

THE FISH WITH THE EYEBALLS!

the love boat

the lighthouse is in the background

it's not a va-ca until you have had a near death experience

The lighthouse where I thought I was going to die.

I don't care for heights.

I really don't care for climbing metal stairs you can see through.

Freaks me out.

another one of our hotels

are you sick of my pictures yet? : )

I found a Shake's!

We used to have one where we live, but not anymore. I got to eat my $5 ice cream twice, and I still lost weight on va-ca.

Added bonus: the Shake's was in the same shopping center as a Goodwill, so the Pastor was happy too.

the Pastor's spiritual gift

being able to destroy a hotel room in a very short amount of time

But you can tell I was truly on vacation - I'm getting ready to go to the beach instead of tidying things up!

surfer dude

Yes, I totally married surfer dude.

totally worth it

After one day at Universal Studios, we sold our multi-day pass and opted instead to go to the beach and the Salvador Dali museum.

Universal Studios

look directly above my head, at the green and white sign

you can almost hear the angels singing

all-u-can-eat

crab legs

slightly gross to crack little legs and pull out the meat, but not as gross as the fish with the eyeballs still intact on the plate

whatever makes the Pastor happy

1st travel outfit

capri jeans, white Sarah Jessica Parker Bitten t and check out the necklace

I AM THE PROPHET!

Scene: Fort Lauderdale hotel room, this morning. The Pastor is in the shower.

Me, shouting out to the Pastor: Did you see the traffic outside?

(because we live in a place where there is virtually no public transportation and everyone drives a car, yet there's hardly any traffic so traffic is fascinating)

Pastor, responding: Did I see the prophets outside???

First, why would there be a prophet on the streets of Fort Lauderdale? It's not Spring Break!?!

Second, why would the Pastor think I would be starting up a conversation with him about prophets? On vacation? Really? Before coffee?

*****

Next scene: At Fort Lauderdale airport. Trying to use automatic ticket printing machine, as to not have to deal with humans. Machine won't work, have to go talk to human. While we are waiting to talk to person, the following conversation ensues:

Me: I think the machine is not working because they want to put us on an earlier flight and we will actually have less travel time today.

Pastor: Nu-uh.

Guess what? I am the freaking prophet in Fort Lauderdale! ME! We got an earlier flight. The Pastor tried to tell me it didn't count because it only got us in 45 minutes earlier, but I know I better.

Off to see what else I can prophesy. (Yes, following my typing the word prophesy there was a five minute discussion with the Pastor if prophesy is gramatically correct.)

Oh, and I'm home.

bahama mama

Greetings from the Bahamas.

That's where I am. The Pastor didn't toss me over the side of a cruise ship.

It's been just lovely. There are no children here. Well, there are children, just not any of mine. The only irritant I've had for days is sand in my bikini bottoms. Oh, and I didn't like it when the Pastor ordered fish yesterday that came on the plate with it's eyeballs still intact.

I've found a Starbucks every day. Not necessarily the real thing, you know those "We Proudly Brew" places, but close enough.

p.s. I did visit the happiest place on earth in Florida - the Coach outlet!!!

cracking up

I'm not dead, and I haven't been scared away by an anonymous commenter, I just haven't had a computer. My Mac has a crack and had to go to the shop.

just desserts

Having desserts at my favorite restaurant last Friday night. I'm a sucker for anyplace with twinkle lights.

waterproof mascara

I'm sad about Tammy Faye.

If anyone can appreciate a pastor's wife who doesn't outfit repeat and likes the eye make-up, its me.

caffeinated coke and clothing concepts

I have got to cut back on the caffeine.

I mean, do I really need to be awake and writing at 5:15 a.m.? I don't think so.

Last night, the Pastor and I went to eat Mexican food and I guzzled my 3 huge diet cokes with dinner, because if I get a diet coke at a restaurant, the Pastor is going to make sure I get his $1.50's worth. Only yesterday we actually ate dinner at more of a dinner time - 5:30, instead of our customary 3 o'clock. That much diet coke so late in the day doesn't work for me. It's like I'm on crack.

So now I will be going to Starbucks here as soon as they open, and I will start the vicious cycle all over again.

The SK's are leaving today. The Pastor and I are going out tonight and I will need to be more like Nancy Nazarene and less like myself. I haven't figured out what to wear. The Limited is gone, but many things in Macy's Inernational Concepts line have been 75% off so I am not without choices, many of which look like they have been consuming too much caffeine when I need more of a de-caf look.

I have this little number, which would make me an outfit repeater:



this dress I haven't worn yet, which I totally thought had an Asian look to it, and of course they have an Asian model in their picture:



I know it's not appropriate for tonight, but I wanted to show it off anyway. So as long as I'm at it, here's one more of my clearance finds -



I also got an peach/brown dress which I can't find a photo for, which is a possibility AND one of my friends will be very glad to hear yes I did buy one of those floor length dresses, because I only had to pay $12 for it (It had been $122!) and I had my tailor cut off about a foot from the length.

OK, if you are still with me here and care about what I wear tonight, then you might as well help me decide for later this weekend too. The Pastor and I are taking the traveling Pastoral road show to Vici, Oklahoma. No, I don't even know where that is, so I googled it to find as of the last census, Vici had 688 residents and 97% of them were white. If you're one of them, be on the lookout for a very stylish woman this Sunday. I will be searching for the nearest cup of coffee and will probably be wearing that purple dress and eye make-up not becoming of a Pastor's wife.

urban word of the day

sapiosexual:

what the Pastor is NOT

(google it)

yes, and no

No - the YMCA's response to my demands that they make me "Camper of the Week."

Yes - the step-children's response to my inquiring if they had peed in the pool. (Gross!)

No - my response to Loretta (step-daughter #2) asking me if I had "ordered her dad off the internet."

Yes - my response to the guy at Starbucks today who asked me if I was married, in front of the Pastor.

Yes - the Pastor's response to my persistent questioning via text message "do you want to kiss me?"

bikini mission

After reading Nora Ephron's book "I Feel Bad About My Neck" earlier this year, I vowed that this summer I would wear a bikini every chance I get.

My plans have only been foiled by the fact that it rained every day continuously for way too long. And the whole point was to wear them at the pool/White Water/beach, etc., and not just around the house! But the sun is finally shining and I can start working on my lofty goal. Below are a few of my suits. And I must say, this is a nice change from the suits I used to have to wear in July - skirts, jackets and pantyhose - back in the day when I had to dress "corporate." Ick.

And if any of my friends need a swimsuit, let me know. I have quite few! Maybe this could be a new mission field for me.

tankini #1

Except mine is a rust/gold metallic.

top to bikini #3

bikini #3

wore "swimming" the other day!

top to bikini #2

bikini #2

haven't worn yet!

bikini #1

Wore to white water yesterday!

soap dish

dirty little secrets

Passivist Pastor: What happened to the soap in our shower?

Renegade Robyn: Uhhhhhhh, it broke???

Passivist Pastor: Did YOU break it?

Renegade Robyn: Uhhhhhmmm, yesssssss.

Passivist Pastor: Did you break it in the shower when you were mad at me?

Renegade Robyn: Uhhhhhh, yes. Sometimes I like to take things and throw them and turn them into smaller things when I'm mad.

Passivist Pastor: You break things?

Renegade Robyn: Yes.

Passivist Pastor: What else have you broken?

Renegade Robyn: Well, have you ever noticed how often I need hairbrushes?

Passivist Pastor: Hairbrushes? Wow.

*****

At this point, I'd like to blog in my defense about the fact that I've had a spider on my bathroom windowsill for two weeks, which I have not killed, and I peek in on it every time I go to the bathroom (when I'm not breaking brushes) to see what it's doing. But then I realized having taken on a pet spider doesn't make me appear less crazy. And also in my defense, the Passivist Pastor was asleep this morning when this occurred:

SC: Robyn! Someone's gum is on the dining room table!

The dining room table! I personally spent more time and effort getting that table than I did birthing my bio child. I nearly spent as much of my life looking for that table as the entire gestational period for Nate (who is at camp, btw, so it's not his gum). It is my only new, nice, purchased piece of furniture.

I have to brush my hair now.

out of the mouth of the Pastor

"You don't LOOK maternal."

What a nice compliment. I can only assume that is because I don't wear ball caps and mom jeans.

Good. Then I don't have to take credit for kids. Maybe people will think they don't belong to me. My plan is working, and I look fabulous.

And I'm quite certain, if you ask the children, I don't act maternal either.

munchausen by proximity

These stories would be hilarious.

If they were happening to someone else.*

*someone who is not me

Overslept, because I stayed up too late watching movie from the redbox (greatest invention EVER). Movie, Breach, was excellent, however was forced to watch preview for scary movie. I don't do scary movies. Before I could fast forward through the stupid preview, I found out there is this thing named Mary who has no children, only very scary dolls, and she'll rip your tongue out. Also, I am reading a book about this woman who was raised by crazy Munchausen-by-proxy mommy. The book is not scary, but it makes me THINK about "The Sixth Sense" movie, because THAT movie had a Munchausen-by-proxy mommy in it. "The Sixth Sense" is the scariest movie ever. Scary movies freak me out.

Anyway, I overslept. Kids are up, but have they taken their Miramax or had their fiber or had their breakfast? The cereal and yogurt I explained to them last night last thing before they went to bed they could have for breakfast? No, they have been up and haven't done any of these things even though just last night we had discussion that THESE ARE THE THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.

Try to take kids to Harry Potter today. Trying to be fun step mommy who has good relationship with kids. But because kids weren't dressed and hadn't had their fiber and pooped, I'm stressed out before I even get out of the door.

I had a decision to make. Be late and stop for Starbucks, or don't stop for Starbucks and still have the potential to be late depending on line at movies. In the end, I was not late and I got my coffee, therefore the bright shiny spot in my day.

After movie, take children to noodle restaurant. All I want, please God, all I want is to take children to restaurant and not think that I have brought wild wolves with me.

While I am paying, yes in the time it takes me to swipe my card at register and sign the ticket, less than the time it took me to just type this sentence, one child convinces another child they must, absolutely must SMELL THE BOTTLE OF LOUISIANA HOT SAUCE. You know, the hot sauce that comes in the convenient squeeze bottle.

Yes, you are correct if you guessed the ending of this story involved the child accidentally getting hot sauce squirted up their nose.

Now I can see why Mary only had scary dolls and no children. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad movie after all.

Parsonage, or circus tent?

Ahhhhh. Child sitting in chair at desk, working on computer.

That's not scary, is it?

Child sitting in chair, at desk, working on computer. Other child sitting on shoulders of child sitting in chair at desk, working on computer.

But don't worry about the Pastor. He was protected from this scene, peacefully asleep in our bed.

today sucked

It started with the Pastor waking me up from a dream involving cupcakes, cookies and kissing (no dream interp needed there!).

It went downhill from there.

Seriously downhill.

family

my second evil plot of the week

Evil Robyn is busy this week.

You know how the Pastor LOVES loves loves to shop at Goodwill?

I've found a way to break his spirit.

Now instead of criticizing his Goodwill shopping, I am embracing it. Now I insist on going. And I am really quite skilled at the second-hand shopping. I put the "good" in Goodwill. I find the stuff new with tags, and designer labels.

So now instead of his happy, meager Goodwill visits, I managed to spend a whopping $72 the other day. Do you have any idea how much stuff you have to buy at Goodwill to have a $72 purchase? It's a whole basket full of stuff!

I am sensing a decrease in his desire to go to Goodwill. I figure soon he will either not want to go, since I insist on tagging along and tripling his purchase, or he'll have to start sneaking off to shop there . . .

my middle finger

I slammed my finger in the closet door tonight. Why was I that eager to shut the closet door? What was I afraid would happen if I looked at my clothes for a few more seconds?

The Pastor and I will be alone on the 4th. It truly will be an independence day.

But by then, he will probably have seen the Discover card statement and know that Macy's had I.N.C. 25% off, then take 40% off the lowest marked price!!!!! How could I refuse?

Maybe that's why I hurt my finger tonight? Maybe the Pastor has somehow used his spiritual magic to put some kind of spell on my closet to reject new clothes?