What's white and black and red all over?

I'm so excited! I'm so happy!

What, you ask, could I possibly be so deliriously happy about?

Do you remember last fall? Do you remember how everything was brown and - ugh - TEAL??????

This year we have red and black and cream and animal prints and pointy shoes and patent leather and lace!!! Did you see Vogue? Did you see that RED is the new black?

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for fall fashion involving such pretty things and colors - and no teal. I hated teal.

I'm so excited I could wet myself, except I wouldn't want to ruin any of my stylish new fall clothes.

One thing I will not be getting excited about - the one look I can promise you I WON'T be sporting is leggings.

I live in the Midwest. Obesity is a huge problem here, no pun intended. There's a whole population of people who already can't or won't get away from stretchy pants. Leggings are simply not a good idea.

Besides, I already rocked that look, WHEN IT WAS POPULAR THE FIRST TIME. Yes, and I even worked at the Limited then. Back in the day. "Big over Slim" was the technical phrase for it. Oh, also, I am not fifteen years old. Yes, I know, when has that ever stopped me from wearing inappropriate clothing? But I will not be a slave to this fashion trend.

Nope, no leggings for me, I don't care how much time I've been spending on the treadmill.


the other white meat

I made Pork Chops in the crock pot yesterday. Completely amazing that you throw all that stuff in the crock pot, and out comes a meal. Probably one of the greatest inventions ever. I'm totally going to get some of those crock-pot liners, so I can be even lazier. And since I don't eat meat, probably won't eat anything I actually cook in the crock-pot, I really don't care all that much how it turns out.

I have known for several days that I look good. I'm back from my trip, I'm all skinny. My nails are all pretty, my hair is freshly colored (finally!), blah blah blah.

I especially knew that I looked cute yesterday. With my 80's-inspired dress, black with this really cool pink/fushcia/white geometrical print. And my black strappy sandals and my flat-ironed hair and my dark Lancome eyes and pink sparkly lipstick. (So much for dressing like a grown-up.)

Now I shall tell two different stories, and this will be the only time I ever say that Wal Mart was better than Target.

I went to Target yesterday, all cute. I noticed this guy walking past me, but I didn't think anything about it. I was too busy trying to pick out a case for my I-Pod. I'm looking at the cases, and this guy walks right up next to me and says: "Excuse me ma'am, I was wondering if I could have your phone number"?

I replied with "I'm married" and he went on his way.

Even in all my cuteness, it's always surprising to me when something like this happens. When I relayed this story to the Pastor, he said DIDN'T HE SEE YOUR RING? I guess not! Or maybe he didn't care. Or maybe, just maybe, the Pastor needs to think about getting me an even BIGGER ring. (He is not going to like that. Not at all. I should probably delete that. That one is going to get me into trouble.)

Sadly, I didn't want to give the guy my number, I wanted to give him some advice. Like when you approach a girl, you don't call her "ma'am" when you have the intention of picking her up. He should have just left that one out. Yes, I make the children say yes ma'am and yes sir, but when you are trying to pick someone up, it's probably something you should steer clear of. Then, he just jumped right in. No hey I was noticing you, you look really pretty, what are you out shopping for today. Just jumps right out there with the could I have your phone number. Granted, the guy didn't give me any corny lines, but why would you want to give someone your number just because they come up and ask for it? What's the incentive here? I would personally need a reason.

I thought the Pastor was never going to ask for my phone number. We were both in a group together, I saw him every Thursday night. I jangled my bracelets at him, trying to Jezebel him into noticing me. I tried to engage him in conversation, and it just didn't work. The last Thursday night of our group, I left. Too old-fashioned to ask for his number (or too chicken). Thinking I was never going to see him again. Sad.

But, thankfully, Wal Mart is open 24 hours. I hate Wal Mart, but they really do get you with that whole 24-hour thing. Because sometimes you are awake and you have no where else to go. Later that night, I went to Wal Mart, and I bumped into the Pastor there, and he finally asked for my contact information. You never know, when you give a guy something like that, if you'll ever actually hear from them again, but by the time I got home from Wal Mart that night, I already had an e-mail from the Pastor.

I'm so glad he did. He makes me happy, even more so than the crock-pot.


one slice of toast

1. I have started worrying about old people stuff. My roots got so long before I got my color done, everytime I went to the bathroom I was checking my natural hair color (did you know I had one? me neither!) to see if it had gray in it. Fortunately, I am not a silver fox yet. Still just a regular fox. My last hair appointment was delayed due to my unexpected layover in Newark, thanks to terrorists. I say anytime I have to walk around with 2 inch roots, the terrorists have won. But I'll gladly display my roots with pride, because I know they don't like the fact that I'm not wearing a burka. Ha!

I have also started worrying about having old lady neck and chest - you know that wrinkly skin on your neck and chest - so I've started moisturizing that part of my body like crazy. Nothing good can come of this. Wait and see, I'll only make my skin break out.

2. To go right along with this, I started feeling like maybe I shouldn't be dressing like such a hoochie. More Gucci, less hoochie. More class, less trash. This should make Mom happy. I went to a Nazarene function with the Pastor last week, and I actually felt like I finally got it right with the dress. I was a proper lady! But still very stylish and not too Nazareney. However, coincidentally, the Pastor didn't take our picture. Perhaps he didn't think I looked so hot and didn't want to preserve the moment. After all, I hadn't had my roots done yet. If you care about the dress, go to whitehouseblackmarket.com and look for the Jennifer dress, in the sale dresses. To jazz it up, I did go with red lipstick and my little tiny red handbag.

When I went to Starbucks this morning, in my cute little cotton sundress, there was a lady there with her respectable bob haircut and her pumps and her nice pants and a jacket. I thought maybe I should dress like that. All respectable and proper. Then I remembered when I had to work (that sucked) and had to wear suits and had to wear pantyhose every single day, even in July when it was 105, and I thought it is much more fun to wear whatever I want.

3. I also got an apron. Don't worry. I haven't completely lost my mind. I got it at Victoria's Secret. The Pastor also did not take a picture of this, for other reasons. If you care about the apron, you can go victoriassecret.com and search for apron.

4. Why does it matter what side of the toaster you put the bread in if you are only making one slice? That makes no sense to me. But as long as you are wearing an apron (see #3), it really doesn't matter how the toast turns out.

5. I'm still trying to figure out the whole photo thing on my computer. When I do, I'll upload more pics, you know for anyone who wants to see more of our 666 trip pictures. Yes, that's right, the Pastor took exactly 666 pictures on our vacation. It's a sign from God. I'm happy with how I look in about 5 of the pictures, so I won't upload many.

6. In case you didn't figure it out earlier, like when you started reading this post, I've been taking Nyquil for a couple of days. Now it's all starting to make sense.


chubby corneas

I went to the eye doctor today, where I was told I have "chubby corneas". I suppose the dr. thought it might make me feel better after telling me this tidbit of information that it's obviously the only chubby thing I have on my body.

I'll file this informtion away with other bits of useless stuff I've learned about my body through medical science. Along with the fact that I have a very small uterus. I guess that's not entirely bad. Who wants a giant uterus? It's not like I use it to store stuff. I suppose uteruses (is that how you make it plural?) are like handbags - the smaller the better. The good news is that now anytime I am feeling like I weigh to much, I can blame it on my "chubby corneas". I must be retaining water in my corneas. Yes, that's it.

Right now, the Pastor is reading this and thinking I cannot believe I bought her a computer.


I thought Eve gave Adam the Apple? Or, did Eve bring it to Adam in the shower?

All the reasons the Pastor bought me an Apple computer:
1. Because whining works. I wore him down. Which is exactly why I don’t let children do it.
2. Carrie Bradshaw = Apple Computer. Elle Woods = Apple Computer. Obviously, this is blonde-friendly technology.
3. Because I am spoiled. Refer to #1.
4. Because I get up and make him jam sandwiches every morning. Not really, but I sure did this morning.
5. Because after the last four weeks of practically no makeup, he was so glad to see me in eyeliner again he would have done just about anything for me.
6. Because taking me to Europe for a month just wasn’t enough for him. That’s what kind of guy he is, he’s got to go above and beyond. See #3. And, see below, about the shower.
7. Coincidentally, he gave me the computer on the eve of a day when I am taking care of his children ALL DAY. He’s trying to butter me up. If he has to do this for me, imagine what we have to go through to get a repeat external babysitter.
8. Because I can’t buy it myself, or the Satan’s minions who work at Discover Card who conspire with the Pastor letting him know my every shopping move would be calling him about the charge card total before I even made it out of the computer store door.
9. Because secretly he WAS concerned about how fat I was getting, and he promised himself if Robyn will just lose that five pounds I will buy her a computer as a special reward.
10. He had to buy it for me, because he knows the Apple store is right next door to the Coach store at the mall. If I went to buy my own computer, I’d come home with a very nice computer bag, costing more than the computer itself.
11. Because of all the special time we've spent together in the shower. See below.

I’m glad we are done with that. I’ve been bothering the Pastor about a computer for a very long time. It’s probably been our most consistent, non-kid “discussion”. Well, it's probably been MY most consistent non-kid discussion anyway. Now I can start bugging him about something else (just kidding, sweetheart!). Actually, I won't have time to bug him (another possible reason he got it) because I can blog and write all the time! My very own personal private computer! Mine mine mine!!! All the live-long day! I'm so excited. It's not that I have anything important or worthwhile to say, but it makes me feel better.

And speaking of “discussion” and Satan’s minions, here is the latest installment in the saga of step-parenting from hell. While we were out of the country, daughter #2 told her mother and her counselor that “Daddy says he is going to get my mommy put in jail”. Daughter #1, on the other hand, told the mommy and the counselor “Robyn and Daddy have sex in their shower every single night!!!”. Every single night!!! On the bright side, this is good, because at least we know she is still a virgin. Because no one who has ever gotten to have sex would be thinking that having sex in a shower is so much fun that people would want to do it in there every single night. Both daughters have since recanted. I can’t express to you how much fun it was to come home and get to address these issues right away, with the counselor and the parenting coordinator. Wait, yes I can. It was nearly as much fun as it would be to have sex in a stand-up stall of a shower.


back to "normal", part deux

How does he do it?

How does the Pastor obtain credit card usage information in real time?

I went shopping. I went to two stores (White House Black Market and Express). OK, technically three stores, but I had a coupon for free panties at Victoria's Secret so that doesn't count. Before I EVEN GOT HOME FROM THE MALL, the Pastor had sent me a detailed text message about how much I had spent (TO THE PENNY) and where I had spent it.

This takes the fun right out of shopping. Almost. I'll have to find some sort of clever way to beat the system. Hmmmm.


back to "normal"

So much to say. So little time. 50 minutes and 3 seconds to be exact. I had to come up the the public library to use a computer. Haven't been on one since I got home. The internet at home isn't working, which is apparently what happens when you don't pay for service and just use the magical wireless internet network.

This post will be a random bunch of mish-mash. Speaking of mish-mash,

Total Bridget Jones moment. I am a cooking genius! That's what I thought. The Pastor invited 4 people over for dinner Sunday night. I know, I'll made tortilla soup! I'll make it in the crock-pot! I can leave it in the crock-pot all day, and we will have delicious tortilla soup for dinner! Everyone will be amazed! Only only only only, when I came home late in the afternoon, about an hour before the guests were to arrive, my delicious tortilla soup was much much much too thick to be a soup. I managed to salvage the meal though, I think. You see, I had not chopped the chicken breasts up in the soup up yet, they were still whole. So I made some rice, pulled the chicken breast out, served the breasts on the bed of rice and used the "soup" as "sauce".

What's really sad is that someone who was at my little dinner party will read this post and realize the meal they ate was a giant screw-up, if they didn't already know that.

The flight we were on, the one that lasted for 16 or 17 hours, there was a gentleman on that flight who was loud. Not only was he LOUD, he spoke incessantly. I don't know why it is that the people who should be saying the least amount of stuff are the ones who talk the most and at the LOUDEST possible volume. I still haven't gotten over this yet. I say that anytime I have to sit on a plane for that long with none of my stuff and sit within hearing range of a guy like that, the terrorists have won.

It took about five minutes for everything to return to normal at home. We got all the kids back straight away.

More random trip stuff -
-The very best airport outfit I saw was a girl wearing a pair of cuffed, cropped jeans and a clean, long-sleeve white t-shirt.
-I managed to lose three pounds on the trip. Which is pretty amazing, because I did eat. Sometimes I thought I was eating quite a lot. Good food. Chocolate croissants in Paris. Sugar in my coffee. REAL sugar. German potato salad in Germany. But apparently walking for 8 hours a day and the Pastor constantly convincing me I needed to jog (most of the time he was lying, I think he just wanted to see me run) with my 15 pound backpack on in order for us to meet our next plane/train/bus/whatever helped me to keep the pounds off.
-The world is a safer place because airport security confiscated my Lancome tinted moisturizer and my Lancome gold lip gloss. They let me keep my concealer (liquid) though. Someone explain that logic to me. I guess they couldn't stand looking at the dark circles under my eyes either.
-I have all kinds of tips and ideas, in case anyone else out there might ever want to go to Europe. I think, I am planning to, start a separate blog about our Eurail adventure.

I have to go now. This man sitting across from me at the library smells really bad. And there is another man directly behind me who keeps looking at what I am doing.


ignorance is bliss

Greetings from Newark.

I should be home by now. I should have already eaten my first meal at a mexican restaurant by now. But I am in Newark.

I can tell you, with complete certainty, yesterday was NOT a good day to fly from the United Kingdom to the States. In fact, it was probably the worst day ever. If you took all the times I have ever flown in my life, and added up the length of time all of those flights took, that number would probably still be less than the length of time I sat in an airplane yesterday.

That's how it seemed anyway.

The Pastor and I went to the Manchester airport yesterday morning, not having seen a television. When we got there, we were faced with rather long lines. A security agent inquired if we had seen the news. Uhhhh, no. Then he informed us there had been some threats. OK, what else is new? Pretty much everyone at the airport was as ignorant as us.

We were told we could not take any carry-ons, which was all we had with our backpacks, and we were given a list of about 8 items we could carry on in a clear plastic bag. We could not take our books. Fortunately, the list of items we could take included women's sanitary products. We could take our eyeglasses, but the Pastor and I had to give up our eyeglass containers. Still not sure what someone could do with an eyeglass container, but hey, I'm happy to follow the rules if it means I get to go home.

After we went through two pat-downs, we boarded our plane. There's nothing like multiple security officials knowing 1. you seriously need a pedicure. They look at your heels! Ick! and 2. you have your period. We sat in our plane before it took off for nearly 7 hours. We watched 2 entire movies. They kept telling us they had to wait for clearance from Homeland Security in the U.S. before they could take off. I'm sure they were checking to see if anyone was on the "do not fly" list. They couldn't even feed us until we got up in the air. I was never so glad to see a plate of airplane food in my life. Sitting on an airplane without your hairbrush and your stuff is not very much fun.

It wasn't until we finally made it to Newark (by the way, we got to sit on the ground there for more than an hour before we finally got off the plane) that we realized how serious it was. Somehow, the Pastor and I had managed to take in our meager carry-on items, a bottle of saline solution. That made it through multiple security checks. Hmmmm.

We are suppossed to fly out of here later today. We did have a direct flight from here to home, but now we are going to stop off in Houston, Texas. I sure will be glad to get there, whatever the route! And as far as hanging out in the airport today, I'll be ok. I'm back in the States baby! There's a Starbucks in the Newark airport, and quality entertainment like US Magazine!



This little piggy went oui oui oui all the way home!

In Paris. We will see how the french diet of chocolate croissants, cheese and bread works for me. Thankfully, the Pastor has me on this fabulous exercise regimine where we do stuff like see how quickly we can jog through the Louvre, or how fast we can make it up the Eiffel Tower steps. Also, I've yet to see the Pastor wait at a street intersection. We run through every single one.

To London tomorrow, then Manchester, then home on Thursday!

p.s. I can vouch for the fact that there are Starbucks in Munich, Zurich and Paris.


Swiss Miss

We are in Switzerland. Tomorrow morning we will wake up in PARIS! Then from Paris we will go to London, then we will fly out through Manchester and be home next Thursday!

Even though I slept about 9 hours last night, I'm too tired to blog right now, but I have the sweetest husband in the world. He took me to Cinderella's castle, the Neuschwanstein Castle.

More later, hopefully after I find some coffee. Hopefully they have coffee in Switzerland.


Roman Holiday

Rome was not built in a day, but you sure can see it in a day.

Let me sum things up for you. Old buildings, blah blah blah. Lots of pope stuff. Which pope? Does not matter. They all look alike.

Sistine Chapel. Ever been there? Here is the tour for you. You stand in a really big, long line. Then you stand in another line to pay. Then you walk through a bunch of rooms. In every room you say something like "this room has a painted ceiling, is THIS the Sistine Chapel"? Turns out it is not. Then when you finally get to the Sistine Chapel, some mean Italian security guard tells you to cover your shoulders. What - all of these paintings feature nudes and I can't have on spaghetti straps? Whatever.

And Greece? Yes, there is a lot of stuff that was built out of big, heavy stones. How did they carry the stones that high? I do not know. Lots of broken statues too. Someone did not save all the pieces.

On a night train to Innsbrook tonight, from Rome. Then off to see some castle near Innsbrook, (Cinderella's castle was modeled from it!!!) then will be back in Munich tomorrow night. Thankfully, that train station has a shower. Do not know where we are going after tomorrow.

And the Pastor is really sweet. He goes to all the same places I do, only he does it carrying our bag AND doesn't complain.


menage a tois

Hello from Austria!

We are in Austria right this minute. We took an overnight train last night from Bologna, Italy and woke up in Munich. I loved Munich! It was so much fun! My favorite place. Then after we toured Munich we trained to Salsburg.

I was as excited with Bologna, Italy about as much as I get excited about Oscar Mayer bologna. Ehhh.

The overnight train last night was a bit freaky. It had four beds in our compartment. At least now I can say that I slept with three men at once, and two of them were complete strangers.

And one was wearing a speedo. Of course it was the 70 year old cranky German man. I wish I did not have to learn what kind of underwear he had on. I will file that away in my memory with the pictures of the cow getting butchered.

Must go, internet cafe says I have 8 minutes left! We are taking overnight train tonight to Rome. I would be happy with staying in Germany and Austria, but the Pastor is all eager to get to Rome. Something about it being the center of Christianity, blah blah blah.