me, the Pastor and our INTERNATIONAL KIDNAPPING PLOT!!! Dun dun dunnnnh!

The Pastor and I learned this week we are unable to secure passports for Step Daughter #1 and Step Daughter #2 because - are you ready for this? Because if we get them passports, we might kidnap them and flee the country!!!

Days later, I'm still laughing so hard I can barely type the words. Yes, that's right. The Pastor and I have gone to the trouble of asking to secure passports, even involving the parenting coordinator, as part of our evil plan! Bwah ha ha ha ha!

If we were going to kidnap kids, couldn't the Pastor and I have gone to apply for passports with me pretending to be there mother? If we were going to kidnap kids, wouldn't it be easier and more difficult for people to find us if we went to live in a shack in Montana?

Like I'm going to do anyone else any favors by fleeing with the children!

Oh, and by the way, I JUST went on a trip with the SD's a couple of weeks ago, where I spent considerable time and effort (1) pretending I was NOT traveling with them, and (2) pretending I had no idea whose children they were. Nope, I had no idea who those children were, across the subway car from me, LICKING THE HAND POLES. Nope, I had no idea who those children were rolling around on the floor of Union Station. Nope, I had no idea who those children were getting dangerously close to the Da Vinci painting, and even closer to getting a security escort out of the museum.

But now knowing that I appear to be the type of person who might flee the country without notice, purchase a last minute airfare on the Discover card, this has inspired me to put a plan in place. If I am going to do this, allow me to assemble a list of the people I WOULD kidnap and flee with:

1. The Pastor. He is like a human GPS and knows where he is and how to get to where he wants to go. It is freakish. Who wouldn't want to travel with someone so sexy and directional? Oh, and he pays the Discover bill and carries my bags.

2. Nate, of course, who's Dad is freely allowing me to get a passport, even going to the Post Office with me to apply! Won't he be surprised?!?


4. My friends - one is the same size as me, who wouldn't want to automatically double their wardrobe on the run? Plus she knows the calories in everything. And Dr. Friend. You know, in case I get one of those blood clot things on the international flight.

5. My cousin's baby - Lantern. He is one of the cutest kids in the world, and he's smart and scheduled. I love a cute kid on a time-table. Plus he said my bracelet was "Sparkly."

6. Michael R. - He's kind of like the Pastor, so it would probably be good to have an extra one around in case I need a spare.

7. Whoever bakes the chocolate thumbprint cookies at Ingrid's German Restaurant. Once I get settled, I'd want some cookies. Oh and one of the Baristas from Starbucks would be nice too.

That's it. That's the whole list of people I'd kidnap and flee the country with, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even have to kidnap some of them - some might even come along willingly. I'd also gladly accept applications for other interested parties, just let me know if you'd like to apply.


C.A. said...

I trust you wore a stylish trenchcoat and dark glasses while trying to obtain passports to flee the country with you SD's.

I've been a step mom for 17 years...in years past I wished to flee the country and leave my dear SD BEHIND.

Licking the subway poles...this activity is SURE to get you kidnapped by your step parent.

Oh Lord. Robyn. I feel you pain.



LB said...

Of course I will publicize your book! Did you have any doubt?

Anonymous said...

glad i made the list, babe, i love you. ~ me

madame x said...

"Like I'm going to do anyone else any favors by fleeing with the children!"

this is one for the briar patch file, meet brer rabbit at Starbucks for a coffee and a highfive

Kate said...

I'm glad I made the list, too.

Next time though, you should volunteer to take out the rat-trash.

Pinkstripe said...

Next thing you know, PEW will obtain a court order to keep you from photographing the girls so as not to steal their souls.