Actual un-retouched, gripping excerpt from a "instant message" conversation between me and the bible scholar I'm married to: (my additional comments are in italics)
the Pastor: um
the Pastor: what was I gonna ask you.
the Pastor: Oh, my tree . .. CP - how is she (CP stands for Chinese Pistachio, even though the thing is not going to have pistachio nuts... so what's the point?)
me: It's just a tree. It has no gender.
me: I can't figure out the hose thing, but the tree appears to be fine.
the Pastor: You wanna bet! Trees have gender!
the Pastor: What, you can't turn on hose?
me: Not ours.
the Pastor: Can you or can you not turn on the hose?
the Pastor: You're joking?
me: If a squirrel can't have feelings a tree cannot have a gender. (this is a follow up to a conversation we had in England. I saw this big, fat, happy-looking squirrel, and I said I wonder what it is thinking. The Pastor said Robyn it is a squirrel. It is not thinking anything)
me: Our thingy is broken
the Pastor: PUSH in while turning on or off.
me: It doesn't have the handle turny thingy?
the Pastor: No handle turny thingy at all?
me: No, the little round thing that you use to turn it on is not on it.
the Pastor: Why would someone steal our trash can, then our spigot handle-turney-thingy? (someone stole one of our big trash cans)
the Pastor: Whatever.
me: The turny thing is on the ground, i can't make it work.
the Pastor: Honey. You push it in and turn . . . okay?
the Pastor: Push in.
the Pastor Turn clockwise on.
the Pastor: Turn clockwise off.
me: I figure it's kids, or maybe somebody stopped by to get a drink. Mom said once when she came over the gate was open. I figured some of the neighbor kids had gotten a drink. (how OLD do I sound, blaming something on "I figure it's kids"??? ugggghhhh)
the Pastor: It's like a key to a vehicle or house.
me: I know how to use a faucet.
the Pastor: So now you're blaming drinking kids?
the Pastor: I'm being silly honey
me: Thirsty kids, not drinking.
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