jail, Macy's, funerals and bacon

Yesterday, when I was at Macy's, the Pastor got to do a jailhouse visit to be all pastoral to a guy who is accused of bludgeoning some people to death. Oh, he also got to pray for a just-released inmate who stopped and asked for spiritual intervention because he hadn't pooped in three weeks.

I know what you must be thinking. Gee, Robyn, while the Pastor is providing spiritual guidance and counseling, you are shopping. Your life is vapid and meaningless. But that's not what I think. I just think "I'm glad we got a Macy's. I wish we had a Nordstrom's." That, and "in a few weeks I get to go to Top Shop! Yippee!"

I've heard several reports lately of acquaintances dying. Strangely, the Pastor gets asked to officiate weddings and make jailhouse visits, but not many funerals. But that's fine with me. Wedding outfits are way more fun than funeral outfits, and cake beats funeral food any day.

I find it interesting that funerals seem to be scheduled in such a way to waste people's entire day. How are you supposed to schedule around a mid-morning funeral? My parents went to one yesterday at two in the afternoon. Who wants to go to a funeral on a Friday afternoon? What a downer.

Let the record state, when I die (probably from being bludgeoned to death by some anonymous blog commenter - please no head blows, stick below the belt, that is, my thin, patent leather belt) schedule my service at eight in the morning. Monday morning. Get it over with, go from the funeral to Starbucks, and enjoy the rest of your day. You're welcome!

The Pastor could possibly be a no show, as I have never asked him to speak at my funeral. I think I know what his thought process would be about such things. Am I really going to learn anything NEW about her by going to her funeral? No. She's not going to know, she's dead! What difference does it make? It's all meaningless.

That's fine, but at least take a minute to remember that one day when you wanted a BLT and I made it for you.



Kate said...

I'm with you. I think I'd rather be at Macy's that talking to some sicko who bludgeoned people to death.

Nice forgiving attitute, eh?

Ch@ndy said...

excellent plan for your funeral...i personally would rather go to a funeral on monday morning than work...

Pinkstripe said...

They served a scoop of Braum's chocolate almond to everyone who attended my grandma's funeral. Now THAT is a party.

Guilty Secret said...

I thought they scheduled funerals at inconvenient times so you had an excuse to take the whole day off work?!

Anonymous said...


I wish you would have died in that lighthouse on your vacation so all four of your friends here could have enjoyed your funeral the way you want them to.

This blog has me absolutely annoyed. You give Christians a bad name.

And you are not that cute.
You aren't ugly, but you aren't adorable. And I have a hard time believing that you "make church look good"

Isn't GOD supposed to do that?! Gosh.