one more, from the other direction

You can see the china cabinet that proves I am, in fact, an official old lady. An old lady who is fat from too many cookies and who's knees should not be seen.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

A whole lot of people.

Yes, I can have up to 25 people for dinner on a very short notice. I have at least two friends who will be dismayed at my non-Pottery Barn chairs, etc. But don't I get bonus points for neatness, or having that many placemats?

The menu? Lasagna, garlic bread, salad. For dessert? Peach cobbler, key lime pie, and those evil cookies. Every time someone took a cookie, I could see it in the Pastor's eyes: "those cookies cost 75 cents a piece - you'd better appreciate it!"

herein lies the problem

they are pretty AND delicious

I wish

I wanted to do ANYTHING more than I just want to sit here and eat cookies.

It's me!

1. Great dress, but I should have carried a different purse.

2. Spent all afternoon getting dressed, and not one decent picture. I don't like my bare legs and I don't care for my knees. Coco Chanel was right about a woman's knees not needing to be seen.

3. And how much do you hate it when this happens? I bought a necklace to go with the dress. Do you see it? No! Because I forgot to wear it!

beware of buffalo

People shouldn't go to Oklahoma for a whole lot of reasons, attacking buffaloes are just one of them.

If you want to hear about how my brother was gored by a buffalo on a Boy Scout camping trip when he was 13, go to

http://www.zookersradio.com/index.php
(Thanks to http://www.makingchutney.com for this link)

just past 31 minutes

Oddly, I still encouraged my son to join Boy Scouts even though he never wanted to join. As it turned out, when we went to an informational meeting, he had a burning question: "Do Boy Scouts have to hunt and kill bears?" Once they answered that NO, he signed up immediately.

But no one told him about the buffaloes.

Oh, and my brother did go on to become an Eagle Scout, so I guess it was all worth it huh?

What to wear?

To soccer game at 11:00 a.m.?

How about Express animal print gray/hot pink/black t, ties in back, Express gray pants, chunky pink and black lucite necklace and hot pink Steve Madden heels?

What a waste of a perfectly good outfit.

OK, now what to wear to soccer game #2 at 1:00 p.m., after you thought you might die of a heat stroke at soccer game #1?

Camo shorts and a blue tank, both from Target.

Don't be too disappointed with me. I still have my Clinique face and nice hair, so I don't look (or act) like the other soccer moms. I can also assure you I am the only one reading "Wise Words from Wise Women" instead of screaming nonsense at a confused group of children, all trying to kick the same ball.

Could someone please tell me

where all of our spoons have gone?

How could spoons just disappear like that?

me & the Pastor?????

No, not quite. I don't have horns, contrary to what he might say. And he certainly wouldn't allow any small dogs. Trust me.
Kids ok, dogs not ok. Whatever. He wouldn't have had to pay for braces for the dog! Ha!

It COULD be us though. He does leave his shoes all over the place.

I have been a busy, well-behaved Pastor's wife.

First of all, I went to a ladies Christian luncheon last week. I brought the median age down significantly. What do Christian ladies wear? A Max & Cleo houndstooth dress, skinny red patent belt and 1940-ish red heels.

Then, I went to a ladies Bible coffee yesterday. Again, doing my part to bring the median age waaaaaaay down. I'm pretty sure I am/was incognito about my identity as a Pastor's wife and that whole thing about being married to Dr. Bible Scholar. Due to one perfectly innocent stream of conversation, they may have even thought I don't attend church. We'll see how long I can fly below the radar. Oh, and how fabulous was ladies Bible coffee? They had cake!!! Chocolate cake! You know how happy this makes me.

I have been volunteering as a Docent at the art museum. The painting above is by the artist currently being featured in a special exhibit. So far, I haven't actually had to do anything, except undergo training about the exhibit and about art. I've gotten to walk through the current exhibit twice. Isn't that fantastic? I get to say I'm volunteering, and I get to walk around and look at art! It's as though I've beaten the system! If you live by me, you should go see this exhibit. There is no cake, but there is a pastel drawing of a piece of chocolate cake with pink icing. Close enough.

I have recently accepted a temporary assignment working at the temporary agency. I love love love love love temp assignments. I love being invisible and everyone ignoring you because you are just temporary.

And speaking of being invisible, I am apparently good enough to deliver goodies to soccer practice, but not good enough for anyone to acknowledge my presence. Hmmmm, maybe I AM invisible??????

I wonder, should I use my powers for good or evil?

Bwah ha ha ha ha!

love a-fair

It’s that special time of year. The State Fair’s in town.

The picture is not new (I've lost weight since then : )!). It is from the first year the Pastor and I got married and decided to go to the fair as WTC - White Trash Couple. The Pastor didn’t want to be my date this year, so I took my WTK, White Trash Kid. Just kidding. We went as our own socio-economic bracket. He wore shoes and has braces and highlights and Aero jeans, so he is hardly trashy. We went today, on the 2nd day of the Fair, before the Carnies start to stink and the grease gets old.

My earliest memories of going to the State Fair involve kidnapping and bondage.

When I was a young child, two girls got kidnapped from the Fair. They were never seen again. That kind of thing can really freak out a little kid, so whenever I heard the words “State Fair” I would immediately think “Scary place where people disappear. Don’t go!” Well, don’t go because of that and because I’m really not into fried food.

Another thing that gives me anxiety is trying to find my car in a large parking area like the State Fairgrounds. About half the time, I can’t find my car at Target or the mall, and I go to those places frequently and try to park in the same general area each time. I experienced this lost car trauma when Nate and I did “Haunt the Zoo” in 2000. Fortunately, I’d gotten Nate all jacked up on red punch and by the time I finally found the car he’d sugar-crashed and fallen asleep. He has no recall of my meltdown. He’s obviously blocked it from his memory.

OK, back to the Fair.

The year following the kidnapping incident, my mom decided she had to go to the Fair. Never mind the fact she had three small children and my cousin Chutney, she decided we would go (she must not have been concerned about locating her large, yellow station wagon - maybe it was easier to spot). She also decided to tie us together with rope.

Yes, she tied us together with rope. I don’t know if that damaged us in some way. Maybe my brothers/cousin have issues with being tied up now, I can only speak for myself. You’d never get away with something like that now, with DHS and all.

I’m still convinced that someone must have seen us at the Fair like that and went on to invent the kiddie-leash.

Just a few things I “didn’t get” at the Fair this year:

1. People with the following thought process. Yes, we JUST had a baby and have left the hospital. Where should we go with our fresh infant? Should we go home and take care of our newborn? I know! Let’s take it to the Fair! I saw three newborns.
I didn't leave my house for three weeks with a baby, but it was winter and I was crazy. That's a whole other post.

2. Ear of corn on a stick, giant turkey legs. I don’t get these. Fried cheese, fried Snickers, french fries (why would I eat something I can eat anytime and don’t), fried corn dog, and fried MASHED POTATOES. Nasty.

I totally understand:

1. Funnel cake. A funnel cake has 24 Weight Watcher points. I was a good Weight Watcher and decided to split one with Nate. I only ended up eating half of my half, which left room for -

2. Cotton Candy. Nate ate the blue, he said it was better; I had the pink (of course).

3. Busting out of our sheltered bubble. Nate went down the giant slide on some sort of large square of fabric. When he was done, he told me that the State Fair employee had used a curse word when conversing with him. I told Nate, like the funnel cakes, there are some things you only get to experience at the Fair. Enjoy!

And the thing I absolutely did GET at the fair:
Riding the “Tower of Power.” I did it three times.

judge not, lest you be judged

I have always been a loyal Walgreens customer. My loyalty is based on the following reasons:

1. The CVS pharmacy across the street is junky.
2. Walgreens is on the "right" side of the street and is easier to get to.

Sure, my loyalty has been tested. That time when I went to pick up my valium in the drive-thru in our beat-up Honda, and the Pharmacy Tech mistook me for a crack-head. Her: You've ALREADY picked up this prescription. Me: Uhhhhh, no I haven't. Back and forth half a dozen times until she realized that I was not a dangerous drug addict and had not already picked up the prescription.

But now, Walgreens has started judging me, and I'm not happy about it.

Earlier this week, when the Pastor thought he was having an aneurysm (yes we went to the ER, yes they did a cat scan) I went to Walgreens to buy some Tylenol. The judging machine, a.k.a. the cash register, automatically spits out a coupon for me to join AARP. What? The Tylenol wasn't even for me!

Today, I went to buy tights. The judging machine automatically spits out a coupon for some sort of super-duper cover-up make-up for unsightly legs.

I am not THAT old and ugly, Walgreens. I buy US Magazine there all the time, and it never spits out some sort of "you are so young and hip you should buy this product" coupon. I don't know what that product would be, probably because I'm not young and hip, but I'm not a geriatric either.

I've noticed everytime Walgreens builds a store here, CVS tries to set up shop on an opposite street corner. They are trying to give Walgreens a run for their money, but with this sort of cruel marketing, CVS needn't worry.

jail, Macy's, funerals and bacon

Yesterday, when I was at Macy's, the Pastor got to do a jailhouse visit to be all pastoral to a guy who is accused of bludgeoning some people to death. Oh, he also got to pray for a just-released inmate who stopped and asked for spiritual intervention because he hadn't pooped in three weeks.

I know what you must be thinking. Gee, Robyn, while the Pastor is providing spiritual guidance and counseling, you are shopping. Your life is vapid and meaningless. But that's not what I think. I just think "I'm glad we got a Macy's. I wish we had a Nordstrom's." That, and "in a few weeks I get to go to Top Shop! Yippee!"

I've heard several reports lately of acquaintances dying. Strangely, the Pastor gets asked to officiate weddings and make jailhouse visits, but not many funerals. But that's fine with me. Wedding outfits are way more fun than funeral outfits, and cake beats funeral food any day.

I find it interesting that funerals seem to be scheduled in such a way to waste people's entire day. How are you supposed to schedule around a mid-morning funeral? My parents went to one yesterday at two in the afternoon. Who wants to go to a funeral on a Friday afternoon? What a downer.

Let the record state, when I die (probably from being bludgeoned to death by some anonymous blog commenter - please no head blows, stick below the belt, that is, my thin, patent leather belt) schedule my service at eight in the morning. Monday morning. Get it over with, go from the funeral to Starbucks, and enjoy the rest of your day. You're welcome!

The Pastor could possibly be a no show, as I have never asked him to speak at my funeral. I think I know what his thought process would be about such things. Am I really going to learn anything NEW about her by going to her funeral? No. She's not going to know, she's dead! What difference does it make? It's all meaningless.

That's fine, but at least take a minute to remember that one day when you wanted a BLT and I made it for you.

Amen.

turns out

the Pastor DOESN'T need my help when he's preaching

he didn't appreciate those secret hand signals nearly as much as I thought he would

Oh well. He couldn't have been too upset. He still took me to brunch at the German place.