Prom: 2007

Me & the Pastor. My hair looked so good - unfortuntely, about six hours before this pic was taken. I have chicken cutlets. Not the worst chicken cutlets you've ever seen. You only know what that means if you've been watching "What Not to Wear" for a while.

Also, I touched that Indian. Most of you probably won't know what that means either.

Even if none of this caption makes sense to you, it's still a lovely picture. Enjoy!

I made a cake.

For Easter dinner. A Weight Watcher friendly cake, which explains why it wasn't very good. But it looked pretty.

very bad news

The new donuts at Starbucks - the Top Pot donuts I've been eating every morning for breakfast - are 12 points on Weight Watchers.

To put that in perspective, I only get 20 points a day!

This makes me very unhappy.

"When I saw those midgets last night, it made me miss home."

perhaps the strangest quote ever from the Pastor

I don't think he'll be incorporating that story into a sermon.

what people do while in Tulsa

Dr. Friend sent me this e-mail a long time ago, so I'm finally answering it on my blog. Something to do in Tulsa while I'm watching cable!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:20 alarm when off, officially got out of bed closer to 6:40. The Pastor loves that about me. He loves it when I set the alarm super early and then don't jump out of bed right away. Laying in bed is one of my spiritual gifts.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Why can't I have both?

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Blades of Glory (On DVD, Friends).

4. What is your favorite TV show? The Office. Grey's Anatomy is starting to lose me (penis fish, Meredith drowning).

5. What did you have for breakfast? 1/2 chocolate donut, 1/2 glazed donut, a tall, non-fat, sugar-free vanilla caramel machiato, and water. Nate had the other donut halves.

6. What is your middle name? Renee. It was supposed to have an accent, but they forgot to type it on my birth certificate, so when Mom got my birth cert in the mail, it was too much trouble to do anything about it. All my life, I've been trying to fill the void of not having that accent mark.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican - duh!

8. What foods do you dislike? Meat, chicken, pork, ONIONS, eggs, ONIONS, turkey, anything with a carcass, spaghetti, fish sticks, hamburger helper, milk. That's enough.

9. Your favorite potato chip? Tortilla chips and 100 calorie packs of Pringles.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Charlie Hall, Lincoln Brewster and I just downloaded a Stray Cats song from I Tunes - "I Won't Stand in Your Way" - I had the tape when I was in junior high.

11. What kind of car do you drive? I'm supposed to drive the fuel-efficient Honda, or the kid-efficient van.

12. Favorite sandwich? Grilled Cheese.

13. What characteristics do you despise? Bad manners. People who won't shut up. People who violate my personal space. Rude people. Whatever characteristics usually found in some ex-spouses and sometimes step-children.

14. What are your favorite clothes? New ones.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would/or wouldn't you go? Beach. I'd talk about how I wanted to go to Las Vegas and it made the Pastor all mad, but nevermind.

16. Favorite brand of clothing? I'm fickle.

17. Where would you want to retire? Uhhh, I'm pretty much retired.

18. Favorite time of day? Well, it's not early in the morning, and it's not late at night, I'm usually pleasant for about 20 minutes after I get my Starbucks.

19. Where were you born? In a hospital.

20. What is your favorite sport to watch? N/A.

21. Who do you think will not send this back? I'm not sending this out. Ask the Pastor how dilligent I am with e-mailing. Not very.

22. Person you expect to send it back first? I'm not sending this to anyone, but if you want to send it back, fine. I'm in TULSA for crying out loud, I'll read anything.

23. Pepsi or Coke? Whatever's diet, with a twist of lime.

24. Beavers or ducks? No thanks, more like monkeys or frogs.

25. Are you a morning person or a night owl? See above.

26. Pedicure or manicure? Again, I'm not understanding why I couldn't have both. And a cup of Starbucks and a magazine while I sit in the pedi massage chair.

27. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm ovulating today. I managed to not use any of my Weight Watchers free points this week until today.

28. What did you want to be when you were little? A ballerina, an actress, a librarian, oh and I'm pretty sure I must have wanted to be a Pastor's wife.

29. What is your best childhood memory? Here's a few - Christmas Eve movies with Dad. Going out to breakfast. Vacation at Yellowstone.

30. Piercing? Ears, belly.

31. Ever been to Africa ? No. But maybe I'll go with my same-birthday friend Michael.

32. Ever been toilet papering? Yes. And I may go again if I run out of things to do in Tulsa. Wait, there's a mall across the street. Nevermind. Coincidentally, the only house I remember TP'ing was our Pastor's house. Hmmmm.

33. Been in a car accident? Yes.

34. Favorite day of the week? Oh, they are all about the same. I especially like every other Friday.

35. Favorite restaurant? On The Border, Ted's, Cheever's, Starbucks, Pei Wei, Moe's, PF Changs, Musashi's Japanese, Taco Bueno. I used to love Big Bowl, but I think they are all gone now.

36. Favorite flower? Gerbera daisies.

37. Favorite ice cream? Sweet Cream from Cold Stone Creamery with about 82 things mixed in - including caramel, cookie dough, graham crackers and pecans.

38. Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Bueno. The Pastor and I ate at Pei Wei every single day the first week it opened.

39. How many times did you fail the driver's test? None. I'm an excellent driver, except in the driveway.

40. From whom did you get your last e-mail? I don't know. C'mon, I got this thing probably two months ago and I'm just now answering it, do you really think I have any who JUST sent me an e-mail?

41. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I wouldn't max it out. The Pastor and I have certain financial goals. Besides, Discover Card calls him when I take it out of my wallet. I'm sure we'd never get that far.

42. Bedtime? Whatever time it is when I go to sleep. Then again when the night-owl Pastor wakes me up when he decides to go to bed - here lately around 4 a.m.

43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Oh I'm pretty bored. I don't care.

44. Last person/s you went to dinner with? The Pastor, Nate and I just ate at Ted's.

45. What are you listening to right now? "How It's Made" on the Discovery Channel. Hotel room cable!

46. What is your favorite color? Pink. Nate said my answer would be pink or diamond. I didn't know diamond was a color, but he is gifted and talented so we'll take his word on it.

47. How many tattoos do you have? 0.

48. How many are you sending this email to? None! How many times does this thing ask this?

49. What time did you finish this e-mail? 5:34 p.m. CST

50. Favorite magazine? Vogue, People, In Style, Us Weekly. And did you know you can read magazines FOR FREE AT THE LIBRARY?

go fish

In case you watched Grey's Anatomy tonight, apparently the penis fish does exist. Google it. And I don't care if it only happens in places like the Amazon - I will now use this as my reason to never, ever swim in a lake again. I've been looking for a good reason. The Pastor has not found any of the other excuses I've used to be credible.

I have a friend who is doctor. We'll call her Dr. Friend.

This week, I decided I was about 50/50 on whether or not it would be a cool job to be a doctor, the 50/50 being based on exactly two stories told to me by Dr. Friend. One, a patient threw up on Dr. Friend's shoes. Now, as exciting as it would be to have a legitimate reason to go shoe shopping, someone barfs on my shoes and I'd be looking for a new job. I would even have issues with my own flesh and blood barfing on my footwear so thank goodness Nate wasn't much of a thrower-upper when he was a wee one.

But then I decided it might be a cool job to be a doctor when Dr. Friend relayed the story about getting to ask a female patient why her testicles were missing, but her penis was not. Maybe a fish was somehow involved?

I almost wish I hadn't seen that on Grey's Anatomy tonight. No telling what I'll dream about now - certainly not Dr. McDreamy.

I'm on a roll this morning

My older step-daughter gave me a present. She made it at church last night.

It is perhaps the only present she has ever given me.

And it's made out of toilet paper.

Oh, the irony.

in case you were wondering how I fill the hours of the day

PROM IS HERE!

The Pastor and I get to go as grown-up, chaperone-type people. I talked to Nate the other day about possibly going with us, and he said no thank you, why would I want to go to something where people kiss and dance all night?

I laughed because this is a Nazarene event, and neither will happen.

Anyway, I was delighted when the Pastor asked me to be his date last week, in part because I wasn't sure he still liked me, and finding the right dress (even though I probably already have it in one of my closets) gave me something to do this week.

Events like this can be tricky. The last formal event we went to, I felt like I was too dressed up. I liked what I wore to last year's prom - simple, cotton white dress. But can I outfit repeat? Absolutely not. I settled on a simple, blue cotton dress. I settled on it, but once the Pastor looks up the credit card statement he may have other opinions.

And I have metallic eyeshadow - I know how old I am, but the What Not to Wear makeup lady said metallic is in, so that makes it ok - right? I promise I'll go easy on it.

rats, snakes and swans

We are having family portraits made in about a week. Today, I went to J Crew and chose a lovely skirt and tank to wear. After I went to the mall, the Pastor asked me to meet him at his favorite store - Goodwill. I obliged and happily shopped along with him. As we were at the counter checking out, another shopper came up and reported a giant rat sighting. The worst part about this was that the clerk was not at all alarmed. Apparently, the rat is a regular. I can assure you there were no rat sightings at J Crew. Rats don't like the preppy look.

At approximately 1:39 a.m. CST the Pastor completed his important scholarly work. This was no doubt made possible by the fact that I made no demands on him for our anniversary, which was coincidentally the day of his deadline.

In case you were wondering what I got and didn't get for our anniversary -

my anniversary night dream
Sometime between when I went to bed last night while the Pastor was still working on his important scholarly stuff and 1:39 a.m., I had a snake nightmare. It was one snake with a giant eye. The first part of the dream, the snake slithered out and I tried to kill it. The second part, the snake was in bed with Nate, and me being a good mommy, I rolled him off the bed and tried to kill it. The third part of the dream, I tried to kill the snake and I somehow knew to try to strike the snake with my knife as close to the top of the head as I could - because if I went for the tail it could still strike me. So, in my dream I had common sense. At the end of the dream the snake struck me and that's when I woke up.

Now, according the my favorite on-line dream dictionary -
Snake:
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

Oh, and the Pastor got me the swan necklace from Swarovski.

happy anniversary

We've made it two whole years.

In the world of divorce/remarriage/step-children, that should be like your freakin' silver anniversary or something.

two years, and all children are still alive

see how much I like cake

So much so that I will get my own cake, veil or no veil, thank you very much.

It was good cake. (Still have a slice in my fridge.)

Oh, I've already ordered my b-day cake, btw. If it wasn't for cake and presents, I probably wouldn't even have a birthday. I order a red velvet cake with buttercream icing. The lady at the bakery said whatmessagewouldyoulikeonthecake? To which I replied NO MESSAGE! That leaves less room for icing flowers!

should coulda coma

Today is our anniversary. Two years. Can you believe I have blather blah-blahed on this thing for two years now?

Pillow talk, last night. Technically this morning, 6 a.m., when the Pastor climbed into bed after another looooooong night of bible scholar work (Personally, I don't know how he does it. All that deuteronical history would put me right to sleep. In fact, I am yawning just typing about it.):

The Pastor: By they way, you snore.

Me:

The Pastor, being Pastoral: Oh, you know, X Person is in a medically induced coma.

Me: I snore? How do I snore? Is it a cute snore?

The Pastor: Now there's something you can blog about. I'm trying to tell you about someone in a coma, and you are all concerned about how you snore.

*****

I only have one regret about marrying the Pastor. I should have worn another dress. Fabulous Friend, you were right. I could have borrowed your dress, but I was probably too fat.

OK, so regret #2 is that I didn't join Weight Watchers right as soon as the Pastor proposed. We got married three weeks after he proposed, but I probably could have dropped five pounds.

Oh, one more regret, the beautiful coral dress I returned after the Pastor and I decided we couldn't elope. We talked about it, and I got a dress (a really great dress), but apparently when you are a Pastor some church people might frown upon you running off and getting hitched. You have to tell people in advance. Not to mention stuff like that can really freak the kids out.

I shoulda kept that dress though.

a moment on the lips

In case you're wondering, on my birthday, I'm going to be 32.

As far as numbers are concerned, I've decided to start using my bra size instead of my age. Obviously, my bra size is a smaller number, and if the past is any indication of the future, it's not likely to change. Plus, this would be the only circumstance for which I would actually use my bust number with pride.

Nate suggested I use my waist - 26. He's such a good kid.

And if you thought I was going to tell you the hip circumference, well, you're about as likely to find that out as I am to get a job at Hooter's.

politics, anyone?

I know I'm not one to talk about political things on this blog, but we have an important election coming up and I can't keep my mouth shut.

Dad is up for President of the Gun Club.

Yes, that's right, the pacifist Pastor's father-in-law regularly shoots at things. Which is one of the reasons I have a conceal-carry permit, but that is a whole other story.

And the most exciting thing is, if Dad wins, then Mom gets to be First Lady of the Gun Club. And I'd be the President's daughter.

So Vote for Larry!

what not to wear, but what to blog

Greetings from Tulsa, OK. The Pastor is working, and I am in a hotel room, on a king-size bed, blissfully child-free. I have already utilized the hotel fitness center and the room's very large jacuzzi tub. Plus, I had mexican food and a cupcake today. That's what I call a good freakin' day!

things I really really like right now
1. Giving the Pastor personal space so he can finish his important scholarly research about Kings and Judges and Samuel and violence. Blah blah blah. Whatever. Translation: spending lots of time walking around the mall.
2. Very strange book by Amy Sedaris - I Like You. I know I am supposed to underline book titles, but I can't figure out how to underline in blogger. Please don't count off any points for poor grammar.
3. Top Pot donuts, new at my Starbucks.
4. A few days ago, I was really liking cookies from the German bakery, but I liked too many of them as evidenced at my Weight Watchers weekly weigh-in.
5. Cupcakes. If I had to pick a last meal, it would be donuts, cupcakes, cookies and mexican food.
6. Watching "What Not to Wear" - cable television!

things I haven't been liking so much
1. The stupid person at Kinko's, who told me that by making a color copy of the freakin' art certificate my son received from the State Department of Education that I was making an illegal copy, violating copyright laws. To anyone from the State Department of Education who cares, I am sorry and I throw myself at your mercy. But if you arrest me, then how will I get Nate to school?
2. All that personal space the Pastor is needing for his important scholarly work.
3. There are so many step-parenting stories, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I wish they would at least get better at lying if they're not going to stop.
4. The stupid people at the tag agency. People were genuinely surprised they need their insurance verification to get their car tags. I was the only person in the place who actually had their insurance verification.

Tomorrow, while the Pastor works, I will have to spend the day at the mall. It's a rough life.

Oh my friend would be so happy. They just showed a dress I actually own on "What Not to Wear" - I think they filmed at Macy's. I'm so proud of me.

Just a few short weeks left until some of the most important days of the year - Cinco de Mayo and my birthday. My mom was due to have me on Cinco de Mayo, went into labor, but I was born a couple of hours after midnight. Wisely, even then, I knew I wanted an excuse to eat mexican food twice in one week. I know you probably think it's hard for me to be any more self-centered than I already am, but you'd better watch it. On my b-day, I'm worse than usual.

Gotta go. Someone has to jump on this hotel room bed!

Pastoral Message

Dear Pastor,

Just in case you are reading this while you are gone -

1. The Rabbit died.

2. I can't breathe. I thought maybe it would be different this time when I breathed bleach fumes.

3. I've been driving the fuel-inefficient van all week. Haven't driven the Honda once.

4. Not only have I still not cleaned out that red Rubbermaid tote in the garage, I've added more stuff to it.

5. I am not at all concerned about your 20 cent fine at the library. I may just let it ride until the day you come home.

6. I used the credit cards, but you already knew that, didn't you? : )

7. A man held a door open for me today and when I said thank you he said "my pleasure." And believe me, it WAS his pleasure. I look very cute today.

8. Some stuff just isn't the same without you. Like when Mr. Gifted-n-talented was explaining to me about the technology that will allow him to go to Mars, telling me about it while his fly was unzipped.

9, I smell just like cotton candy. At least I think I do, stupid bleach fumes.

10. Well, the bed's a complete mess. I haven't made it. Not even once.

11. I went to the Church of the Jumbotron.

Of course, by "Rabbit" you know I mean the white chocolate one from Godiva. He didn't make it til Easter.

Oh, and unlike your library fine, I very eagerly went to the Post Office to pay the postage due on a parcel. Very excitedly, because I figured it was some sort of anniversary present for me, even though I am such a nice and helpful wife and told you I would take care of that for you. You can imagine my disappointment to learn it was a book about Eichmann, Jerusalem and the Banality of Evil.

I love you and miss you.