high cholesterol, senior citizen discounts, acne & prom dresses, but at least there is no silver lining

My clock is ticking.

Sadly, it's not even my biological clock. It's my other ticker - my heart.

I went to the eye doctor today, and he said he could tell by looking at my eyeballs my cholesterol is probably high and I need to get it checked.

It's really freaky he can tell that from looking at my eyeballs. What else does he know about me now?

Serves me right. That's what I get for blogging about my love of cake. Now I get to go get my cholesterol checked.

Plus, I had an awful dream this week. I had a dream Nate and I were at Wal-Mart checking out. I had apparently been exercising and was dressed in my work-out gear. The checker totalled up my purchases and said "that'll be $x.xx with your senior citizen's discount." I left the store, horrified about being mistaken as a senior citizen and feeling as though I must look hideous.

The cholesterol and the horrid dream is a nice climax of just feeling unattractive in general over the past few weeks. I hate wearing my glasses. I have to exercise for an hour every day just to maintain the number I don't even like on the scale. I eat all this healthy food and I don't even eat bacon or have real soda and I may be a ticking time bomb anyway. A college student called me Mrs. (insert Pastor's last name here) the other day. I feel like I'm getting old and falling apart. Except, of course, for the fact that I'm never going to get my skin to clear up.

I've been on the quest for perfect skin for a while now. OK, 21 years.

Stuff has been on an insane clearance at the mall. 80% off. With the Pastor's job at the University, we attend any formal event we can, because they are fun and I like to play dress up. Last week, I bought three formal dresses on clearance. We have a Valentine's Ball coming up in a couple of weeks, and we'll go to the Prom in the Spring so I'm set for dresses (as long as I don't gain any weight or get invited to too many weddings that serve cake). And, as an added bonus, if I do suffer a heart attack and die soon, at least there will be something pretty and sparkly to bury me in.

All this to say I'm 35 years old, I apparently need to be slightly more concerned about stroking out, I can't even worry about the fact that all my eggs are dying, yet I still have acne and shop for prom dresses.

That's just sad, but at least I'm not gray.

i like cake

A list of all the things that prove I am a cake-o-holic:

1. My bum.

2. When I worked for a big company, there was some retirement party or something going on all the time that involved cake. I would not only go and get a piece, I'd also drag along some co-worker who didn't want or couldn't have a piece of cake because they were diabetic or on diet, and I'd make them get a piece of cake so I could have two.

3. I have perfected a system with the Pastor anytime we go to an event - I go to the dessert table and get two pieces of cake. "Oh I'll just get one for my husband because I'm such a sweet wife!" Then I will send the Pastor to the dessert table to do the same thing. That gives me four pieces.

4. I love weddings. It's not about two people binding their lives to one another. I could just care less. I go for one reason and one reason only. Cake. Good bakery cake with the really bad-for-you icing.

However, I went to a wedding once that was a total let-down. There was no cake, but "Love Knots" (think cinnamon rolls). Love Knots are NOT an adequate substitute for cake.

The last wedding I went to had some of the best wedding cake I've ever had. I had four pieces, but that really doesn't count, because those cake cutters always psychotically cut teeny-weeny pieces, and then at the end there's like half the cake left, which I always think is so stupid. (At my wedding, I got a huge cake and I cut giant pieces.) At the four piece wedding, I sent my step-children up to the cake table to retrieve extra pieces of cake for me. So not only am I consuming large quantities of cake, I am too lazy to actually get up and get it myself. For days after the wedding, I walked around mutterring "that was some good cake." I actually even thought about calling the newlyweds to see if I could raid the leftovers. I do have some pride though.

I'm sad about the fact that I reconnected with a girlfriend of mine AFTER her wedding to a dandy guy. She's got great taste, and I'm sure she had a fabulous cake at her wedding.

5. Even better than being invited to a wedding, is when the Pastor is asked to officiate. That makes me really happy, because then I get to eat cake and he gets a paycheck. What could be better?

6. I always ask for a corner piece.

7. I still have a shrine of my own wedding cake, preserved in a Tupperware container in my fridge. I'm not quite sure why, but it was really good cake and I can't bear to part with it. After 21 months of marriage, it doesnt even have anything growing on it. Cake must really be healthy huh? It doesn't even mold.

A list of all the things that prove I have a sad little life:
1. I've composed an entire blog entry about my love of cake.

maybe if their names had been inscribed on stone tablets

The Pastor can't remember the names of the four main characters in Sex and the City. He can usually get three out of four.

Me, I can't remember all of the Ten Commandments. I can get about 8 before I get all confused. But I do have a Ten Commandment bracelet in case there comes a day when I have some sort of a Ten Commadment emergency and don't care about wearing stylish jewelry. It is kind of nice - the bracelet has little dangling tablets, one for each commandment. Commandments on a bracelet have a jingle/jangle to them.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Did you know PTSD wasn't originally linked with soldiers returning home from battle? It was actually first attributed to women who were forced to spend snow days trapped inside a house with children, unable to leave for several consecutive days.

We survived WINTERSTORM2007! My thoughts:
1. Being married to a weather man would probably be the worst thing ever. Those guys get way way way to excited about the weather. Did we really need constant coverage? Some of us have no cable channels!
2. It was wrong of the schools to cancel school for 5 consecutive days.
3. I ate everything that was in the house, except for the children.
4. I am extremely thankful for the make-your-own-Cinnamon-Dolce-Latte-kit from Starbucks.

I know he meant it as a compliment, but -
I just can't shake this one. A couple of weeks ago, remember, I was "crazy smuckers pb&j uncrustable sandwich making lady." Last week, the children got to eat some of those sandwiches. As a very nice, sweet thing to say, the Pastor told me "You did a REALLY GOOD JOB making those sandwiches for the kids!"

Uhhhh, thanks. I didn't know what to say. I don't even think I really said think you. What was going through my head was that I used to be a manager with 23 direct reports and now someone is acting like it's a big deal that I mastered pb&j??? That I used to put together major fraud cases, and I was even responsible for people serving jail time, and now I am getting complimented for a sandwich? I've been thinking about this ever since he said it, and I'm sure he's not given it another thought.

The Pastor was very sweet to say it though. He was also sweet at the end of the snow days. He suprised me with the February in Style magazine (the first magazine I've read all year!) and a VALENTINE CARD. I know it's special when he buys me a card, I think he's only bought me two cards the whole time we've been together. Ive only bought him one card, and I just keep giving it to him over and over again.

do not pass go, do not collect recipes, proceed directly to trashy panty store

There's a fine line between domestic goddess and domestic tragedy.

I wasn't really concerned about myself the other day when I decided to make enchiladas. The amazing thing was, I had all the ingredients ON HAND, IN MY PANTRY AND FRIDGE, to whip up a batch of fabulous sour cream/green chile/cheese enchiladas.
And, I'm such a genius in the kitchen, it only took me twenty minutes to make them!

I started to get a little concerned when I took two loaves of bread and had a marathon school lunch making session, making my own "home-made" version of Smuckers brand Uncrustable pb&j sandwiches.

I became extremely concerned when I felt bad about the thought of just throwing away the leftover bread crusts from above-mentioned no-crust pb&j sandwiches.

I knew I had completely lost it when I googled bread pudding recipes.

At that point, I left the house. I proceeded immediately to a mall far, far away to shop at Fredericks of Hollywood. I had to go to a mall far, far away so that no one would recognize my Nazarene self at a trashy panty store. Not really, that just happens to be where the only Fredericks of Hollywood is located. Then, I started to feel more like myself again.

Did I mention I made home-made vanilla syrup to top the bread pudding?

All the things I ate yesterday:
-donut
-tortilla soup
-tortilla chips
-tortilla
-sopapilla
-thai yellow curry potatoes and tofu with WHITE RICE
-better batter ice cream with chunks of chocolate chip cookie dough mixed in

That's just so you know, for next week when I'm whining about not losing more weight at Weight Watchers.

The difference between me and the Pastor:
Him - piles of stuff all over the place, not a problem. Bed, slightly askew, huge problem.
Me - piles of stuff all over the place, huge problem. Bed, slightly askew, not a problem.

sparkly kung-fu fighter

Still in bed. In the Pastor's bathrobe. He's gone to teach this morning.

Last night, I got to see my cousin's little boy. He's 23 months old. This kid is by far the cutest kid in the whole wide world. Trust me, I don't like very many kids, but I like this one a lot lot lot lot lot.

I will call the kid Lantern to protect his privacy. Lantern reeled me in when he admired my White House Black Market bracelet. He kept saying "Sparkly!" Last night, he actually took my bracelet, held it up to his cheek, hugging it and physically loving my sparkly bracelet. The kid definitely knows the way to my heart.

After I hung out with Lantern last night, I had a dream that I was babysitting him and I had to lay him down for a nap. It was hard for me to find a place for him to nap, but I finally found a safe cabinet for him to nap in. While the baby was napping, ninjas kept trying to attack us. I used my kung-fu skills to ward off all the ninjas, and when I was fighting them I kept saying things like THE BABY IS SLEEPING!

So, if anyone is interested, I may in fact be a pretty good babysitter.

Video killed the Bible scholar

We are in bed. The Pastor has his laptop and I have mine. I, my dear, am writing. He is watching a video – a very bad video – about experiencing God. I’m thinking someone didn’t tell the people in the video they were going to be filmed because they didn’t dress up. One lady is slouching in her seat (an Old Testament Professor) and another is in much need of a good support bra.

For those of you who wanted to marry me in Catholic ceremony, good news! I am no longer married to my first husband in the eyes of the Catholic Church. The day my divorce was final, I mailed in the annulment paperwork. Since then, I've heard back from the tribunal a few times - they didn’t have everything they wanted (probably money), stuff that was out of my control to get. Blah, blah, blah. I finally gave up on it, and now my annulment has magically been granted. But for those of you desiring to marry me in a Catholic setting, bad news! Where have you been? I married Pastor McDreamy 20 months ago! You are too late!

I went to Weight Watchers today. Last week, when I weighed, I had not weighed in three weeks over the holidays. Over that three week period, I gained 2.2 pounds. So this past week I was a very good girl and I followed the program and I exercised every day, and I only lost .6. Ugh.

This video is astounding. I just learned that Jesus was Jewish.

Michael, I made a resolution that I would write everyday. I didn’t make a resolution that you would get to read what I wrote everyday. :) I’m also working on my fabulous novel. So far I got about a page written before the Pastor interrupted me. Tonight when it was time to write, there he was bugging me again, But now I have occupied him with a video. It’s kind of like distracting a small child with a Barney video. Sit here and be a good boy and watch your movie!

OK, now the Pastor is over there babbling about how Greek Biblical texts look pretty. He's got me beside him, yet he thinks the texts are pretty.

goodnight.

recommended daily allowance

If you are one of the lucky readers who read my post this morning, then you got to read about the slight disagreement between me and the Pastor. If you didn't read my blog this morning, then you missed out, because I pulled the post. But, just so you'll be up to speed I will just say 1. the Pastor and I had a disagreement 2. in blogging about it I completed my daily writing requirement as per my New Year's resolution, and 3. the most important thing: I was right. Anyone who disagrees with me, well, they can start their own blog, where they can always be right.

Ugly Robyn

I've exercised the past two mornings - instead of in the evening like I normally do. I've walked for an hour each morning after I drop Nate off at school. But then I feel like I am starving all day and I seem to have hurt my foot somehow. I'm not sure if it is an exercise related injury or if it was the high heels I wore yesterday. For that matter, everyday.

I've been doing good on my bubble bath resolution. I think I've taken one just about every day. It's not a hard resolution to keep.

I'm really ugly right now because I'm wearing my big, thick glases. I'm having laser eye surgery in two weeks so I have to wear my glasses til then. That's right, I'm hobbling around on my gimp foot and I'm wearing ugly glasses. The picture just keeps getting prettier and prettier. And I ate a cupcake and mexican food today, so I'm probably fat now too.

The Pastor spent the entire evening in the crawl space of our rent houses. I doubt he sympathizes with me about any of these important issues.

free association with Robyn

I am writing

1. because it is 10:40 p.m. and I just remembered I made a resolution to write every day and I hadn't written yet, and
2. I have been laying in bed for quite a while kissing on the Pastor and talking sweet to him but he is not paying attention to me because he is thinking about squirrels.

I wish I didn't feel like such a hag of a step mommy all the time. But I also wish that people wouldn't start every single sentence with "uh" and I wish people would wipe when they use the toilet.

We had people over for dinner last night. They weren't coming over til 5:30 and I was making meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I've made meatloaf and mashed potatoes a time or two in my life, so I had a pretty good idea of the preparation time involved.

I was getting my hair done in the afternoon (by the way, I have a swooping side bang now) and the Pastor calls me to inquire why the meatloaf is not cooked. Well, because it's only 2 in the afternoon and it's not dinnertime yet!

Then later the Pastor comes home when I am cooking and starts asking things like is that going to be done in time? Finally after several such inquiries about various things in the kitchen I explained to him that he was in MY office. My domain. I don't go into his office and say things like are you really going to lecture about that? Are you really going to talk about Martin Buber AGAIN? I don't give him sermon advice. Well, I did last Sunday and I stand by my opinion that the sermon I planned was much better than his, even if his featured Evil Knievel. But that's a whole other story.

Oh, I see how it works. Now that I am no longer paying attention to the Pastor and I am writing he is wanting to distract me.

2 more resolutions

-Go to Washington, D.C. That is, if this resolution is ok with D.C. friend.
-Have an outing at least once a month with Dr. Friend. That is, if this resolution is ok with her!

My New Year's Resolutions

1. Read. Always have a book that I am in the process of reading.
2. Not buy one single copy of Us Magazine.
3. When people ask me what I do for a living, I will no longer answer "nothing." I will tell people I am a writer.
4. Write every single day. Even if I have nothing to write. If I have nothing to write, I will write that I have nothing to write. If nothing else, when I tell people that I am a writer, I will also be able to say that I'm on "deadline."
5. Take a bubble bath at least once a week.

I'm just getting started here people. Not feeling good today, but I couldn't let the day past without at least starting my resolutions.

6. Lose 20 pounds. Just kidding! Ha!

Enough for now. Time for NyQuil.

Me, the Pastor & my bum

And appropriately enough, this picture was taken outside of a mexican restaurant.

I Married a Monkey

Santa was at In and Out Burger

Happy Flu Year

Feeling sorta flu-ish tonight, but here's a pic of what the Pastor got me for Christmas. No, I didn't have this on a wish-list, the Pastor knew this is my favorite painting so he got me a reproduction. Pretty cool, huh?

I must have been a very good girl this year.

I got him just what he wanted - absolutely nothing.