Since the Pastor doesn’t understand or frequently objects conventional holidays, I thought I’d make up some of my own. Can’t hurt.
NATIONAL YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE CHOCOLATE SO STOP EATING THE M&Ms OUT OF THE CANDY DISH
Seriously. Or at least stop saying you don’t like chocolate.
NATIONAL NOT "HERE" DAY
The Pastor is notorious for his inability to sleep at night (yet oddly enough, I’m the one who’s been diagnosed with insomnia. Hmmmm.) Anywho, while I’m sleeping away, he apparently does his best work between the hours of 11 p.m. and 3 a.m. After I’ve had my beauty sleep and have the courage to open my e-mail inbox, it hits me. Usually about twenty e-mails from the Pastor, forwarding me things I need to know. The only problem with this is he puts “here” in the subject line of every single e-mail. Then a day or two later, when he asks me “hey, did you get my email on blah blah blah” he doesn’t understand why I’m confused, why it's all a blur and why my e-mail inbox is perpetually a disaster.
NATIONAL THANK YOU ROBYN DAY
When Robyn bakes you a cake and tries very hard to make it look just like the picture in the magazine, you don’t open the fridge and say “your cake is messed up right there.” You open the fridge and say “that is the best looking cake I’ve ever seen. Thank you. We are not worthy.”
NATIONAL LOOK FOR IT YOURSELF DAY
People start asking me where the ketchup is as soon as they approach the fridge. It’s a 6’x24”x24” box. At least attempt to look for it yourself before you shout out my name. At least open the door and count to ten and pretend like you are looking. Every single person in this house has the “looking disease.” This house that is perfectly clean and organized and, by some standards, minimalistic. What’s wrong with these people? Have I secretly ended up in some sort of alternate universe where order is confusing?
Anyway, I don’t care about your stuff. Find it yourself. And and and!!!! I’m not hiding anything from anyone. Except the good candy. And maybe some clothes. And a Coach bag.
NATIONAL DON’T WAKE ME UP DAY/NIGHT
Just once. I know I’m a light sleeper. I know its cute/annoying, but that doesn’t make it ok for you to say things to me after I fall asleep because its fun to watch how fast I can go out of and back into a sleep state. It's just mean. And I’d like one day where no one makes any noise from the time I fall asleep until after I’ve had my coffee. And and and Pastor? This does NOT happen all the time.
NATIONAL DON’T ASK ME WHAT’S FOR DINNER DAY
Has anyone around here ever missed a meal? Starving? Pretty soon I’m going to tell people to just go dig something out of the garden and leave me alone.
NATIONAL DON'T TEXT ME WHEN I'M LAYING IN BED RIGHT BESIDE YOU
In fact, how about NATIONAL DON'T TEXT ME DAY. There's days when I think my phone is going to catch on fire.
NATIONAL LEAVE MY COMPUTER ALONE DAY
Do you have any idea how many days I’ve had this stuff trapped in my head? Too many. Gee Robyn, why don’t you ever write anymore? When I finally take a moment to sit down, just try to grab a free laptop around this place!!!! Impossible! Then when I grab a laptop, someone needs to know where the ketchup is.
NATIONAL NO SARCASM DAY
No, all these holidays aren’t geared just to me. I can be giving. OK, I know I’m bad with the incessant eyerolls and never ending sarcastic comments. I’ll try to give you serious answers, just once.
OK, that’s all I’ve got for now. And you can stick these holidays anywhere you want on the calendar. When? I don’t care. But I’d say about every 28 days or so would work out just fine.