Actual, unretouched conversation.
Pastor: do you have a fingernail clipper?
Pastor: how do you clip your nails?
Me: I don't.
Pastor: How is that possible?
Me: I pay an Asian person to clip them for me.
Me: Just kidding (kind of)!!! I file them.
Pastor: Do you have a file?
Me: yes (hands him file)
Pastor: (hands it back) I can't use this. These things give me the heebie jeebies.
End scene. The Pastor still has a snaggly nail.