OK, I'll take the bait.

Why the Pastor and I getting kidnapped by the Mafia would not be the worst thing in the world:

1. I bet when you are kidnapped no one makes you walk on the treadmill.

2. Mafia = Italian. I'm thinking I'd finally get to eat pasta, cheese, cannolis, etc. This goes against most kidnapping fantasies I've had of me and the Pastor getting kidnapped in the mission field and becoming emaciated.

3. I have seen enough episodes of Sex and the City enough times I could play them in my head and keep myself entertained for a while.

4. The Pastor could take naps. That would make him happy.

5. Me + the Pastor + nothing else to do = enough said. Maybe I'd get one of those post-kidnap babies out of the deal.

6. I'd finally kick my coffee addiction, and the Pastor would have to get over his whole Mountain Dew thing.

7. Since there's no Mafia anywhere around us (The Bible Belt Mafia???), we must have gotten kidnapped far from home. The Pastor hates where we live - this would only extend our vacation and elate him.

8. Kidnapped! Would make it so easy to live on the Pastor's budget. Think of the money I'd save!

9. When I finally got home, I'd have tons of stuff to watch on the dvr and stacks of magazines to read.

10. Maybe the Italian women could teach me how they get their hair that big.

11. I'd finally have an excuse to get some of those really long, really inappropriate fake fingernails.

12. I've seen every episode of the Sopranos. I'd be fine.

13. The Pastor wouldn't have to grade any of his student's papers.

14. Our relationship would prosper because I'm sure we wouldn't be locked up in some room where the Pastor keeps bugging me by opening the mini blinds, and I wouldn't be irritating him by constantly closing them.

15. Everyone knows once the kidnappers release you, you get a total makeover, a publicity tour and a book deal. Not too shabby.

16. A new accent would be nice.

17. Italians drink wine. Nazarenes don't.

18. No kids. No cooking. No laundry. No cleaning. No working. No Wal Mart. No one would make me make them BLTs.

and one more

19. The Pastor would finally have the time and emotional space to teach me, and I'd finally learn, all ten commandments.

Fuggeddaboudit.