maternal instincts and maple machiatos

A short, rather inconclusive list of reasons why I’m completely too selfish and spoiled to have a baby:

1. I’m composing this list at Starbucks. Do people with babies get to hang out at Starbucks and type on their laptops??????? Noooooooooooo! Well, they shouldn’t anyway.

2. I had the choice the other day to either go to my stepdaughter’s school, or, once again, go to Starbucks. Which did I choose? Well, let’s just say mommy gets a little cranky if she doesn’t have her coffee.

3. Yesterday, I spent the day shopping. Did I buy anything for my child or stepchildren? Noooooooooooo! Did I buy clothing for myself at Express? Yes! Did I buy a red dress so I could make the Pastor take me out for a $7 piece of chocolate cake last night? Yes!

4. Do people with babies eat $7 cake? No! They eat ding-dongs or, even worse, Little Debbies! They go to places like – oh the horror – McDonald’s!!! Ick ick ick ick ick!

5. I woke up this morning and I thought what a perfect Sunday morning! It is pouring down rain! It’s all dreary outside. I love it. It takes me about an hour into the morning before I remember that my son, my firstborn, is on a Boy Scout campout. What kind of mother doesn’t immediately remember that her son is sleeping outdoors in the rain? (P.S. Goody, I get to wear my pink raincoat today.)

6. I have been more concerned about my own Halloween costume than anyone else’s. I finally decided I would rather spend my money at Express. One could argue that Halloween costumes and clothes from Express are equally inappropriate for me.

7. Yesterday, when I was at Macy’s, I tried to awaken some sort of maternal instinct in me by looking at the fancy little girl party dresses. I got nothing. Not even when I saw the little girl Hello Kitty tracksuit. I think my stepdaughters must have smashed my biological clock to smithereens. One of my stepdaughters got mistaken for a BOY the other day. I’ve tried to be a good influence; I’ve tried to teach her how to be a girly girl. Now I feel like a failure and have androgynous child.

8. I can’t have another baby, because of older stepdaughters propensity to hit kick pinch punch bite pull hair push insert violent descriptive word here. She would not make a good babysitter. Also, it would probably be confusing to the baby to not know whether they had an older brother or older sister (if that doesn't make sense to you, see androgynous comment above).

9. I couldn’t let a baby watch Teletubbies or Barney, no, because Mommy is too selfish with the DVD player and her wildly inappropriate DVDs.

10. Still even more shopping. Last night, when the Pastor took me out in my red dress, he surprised me by taking me to the Coach store and buying me a new Coach bag. Do I have any desire to carry around a Coach diaper bag? No. Even the big pink one? No.

11. I just lost all that weight. Like I want to go through that again!

12. People who get pregnant can’t drink excessive amounts of caffeine.

13. People with maternal instincts aren’t 35, still taking college classes and carrying around their homework in Hello Kitty folders.

14. Let’s be practical about this. With my stunning good looks, killer bod and the Pastor’s brain, that kind of combination in a kid would be lethal. That could only mean one thing: Anti-Christ. I just can’t be responsible for the end of civilization.

15. And finally, been there, done that, and I don’t wear t-shirts.

I suppose now I’ll have to start making a list of reasons I should have another child. Sorry, too selfish to do that today, but I’ll just say it will probably start out with something like “having another baby would be an excellent excuse to get me out of hiking the Appalachian Trail with the Pastor.”

OK, enough about that. I’m really glad Nate is all excited about the Boy Scouts. We’ll see if it lasts after the rainy campout. Loretta, younger stepdaughter, always gets mixed up about things and says them backwards. Like the other day, she didn’t call him a Boy Scout; she called him a Scout Boy. Cute, but not so cute that it makes me want to have another baby cute.

That’s it for now. Must give full attention to my Maple Macchiato. The sign in Starbucks says it “pairs with patience”. Trust me, nothing with espresso shots in it pairs with patience.