maternal instincts and maple machiatos

A short, rather inconclusive list of reasons why I’m completely too selfish and spoiled to have a baby:

1. I’m composing this list at Starbucks. Do people with babies get to hang out at Starbucks and type on their laptops??????? Noooooooooooo! Well, they shouldn’t anyway.

2. I had the choice the other day to either go to my stepdaughter’s school, or, once again, go to Starbucks. Which did I choose? Well, let’s just say mommy gets a little cranky if she doesn’t have her coffee.

3. Yesterday, I spent the day shopping. Did I buy anything for my child or stepchildren? Noooooooooooo! Did I buy clothing for myself at Express? Yes! Did I buy a red dress so I could make the Pastor take me out for a $7 piece of chocolate cake last night? Yes!

4. Do people with babies eat $7 cake? No! They eat ding-dongs or, even worse, Little Debbies! They go to places like – oh the horror – McDonald’s!!! Ick ick ick ick ick!

5. I woke up this morning and I thought what a perfect Sunday morning! It is pouring down rain! It’s all dreary outside. I love it. It takes me about an hour into the morning before I remember that my son, my firstborn, is on a Boy Scout campout. What kind of mother doesn’t immediately remember that her son is sleeping outdoors in the rain? (P.S. Goody, I get to wear my pink raincoat today.)

6. I have been more concerned about my own Halloween costume than anyone else’s. I finally decided I would rather spend my money at Express. One could argue that Halloween costumes and clothes from Express are equally inappropriate for me.

7. Yesterday, when I was at Macy’s, I tried to awaken some sort of maternal instinct in me by looking at the fancy little girl party dresses. I got nothing. Not even when I saw the little girl Hello Kitty tracksuit. I think my stepdaughters must have smashed my biological clock to smithereens. One of my stepdaughters got mistaken for a BOY the other day. I’ve tried to be a good influence; I’ve tried to teach her how to be a girly girl. Now I feel like a failure and have androgynous child.

8. I can’t have another baby, because of older stepdaughters propensity to hit kick pinch punch bite pull hair push insert violent descriptive word here. She would not make a good babysitter. Also, it would probably be confusing to the baby to not know whether they had an older brother or older sister (if that doesn't make sense to you, see androgynous comment above).

9. I couldn’t let a baby watch Teletubbies or Barney, no, because Mommy is too selfish with the DVD player and her wildly inappropriate DVDs.

10. Still even more shopping. Last night, when the Pastor took me out in my red dress, he surprised me by taking me to the Coach store and buying me a new Coach bag. Do I have any desire to carry around a Coach diaper bag? No. Even the big pink one? No.

11. I just lost all that weight. Like I want to go through that again!

12. People who get pregnant can’t drink excessive amounts of caffeine.

13. People with maternal instincts aren’t 35, still taking college classes and carrying around their homework in Hello Kitty folders.

14. Let’s be practical about this. With my stunning good looks, killer bod and the Pastor’s brain, that kind of combination in a kid would be lethal. That could only mean one thing: Anti-Christ. I just can’t be responsible for the end of civilization.

15. And finally, been there, done that, and I don’t wear t-shirts.

I suppose now I’ll have to start making a list of reasons I should have another child. Sorry, too selfish to do that today, but I’ll just say it will probably start out with something like “having another baby would be an excellent excuse to get me out of hiking the Appalachian Trail with the Pastor.”

OK, enough about that. I’m really glad Nate is all excited about the Boy Scouts. We’ll see if it lasts after the rainy campout. Loretta, younger stepdaughter, always gets mixed up about things and says them backwards. Like the other day, she didn’t call him a Boy Scout; she called him a Scout Boy. Cute, but not so cute that it makes me want to have another baby cute.

That’s it for now. Must give full attention to my Maple Macchiato. The sign in Starbucks says it “pairs with patience”. Trust me, nothing with espresso shots in it pairs with patience.

hula-hooping in fabulous DVF dress

Well, what else would you expect me to do in a designer dress?

DVF & CLF!

There are multiple parties responsible for me & this fabulous dress:
1. A certain chocolate-loving friend/personal shopper/stylist.
2. A certain Pastor who bought me a treadmill and bought me the Sex and the City DVD collection to watch while on the treadmill. (Oh, and he pays my personal shopper-friend.)
3. Weight Watchers. Nearly 20 pounds gone gone gone! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
4. Diane Von Furstenberg.
5. Oh, and me, for actually walking on the treadmill for like a freakin' hour every day, and knowing the Weight Watchers points value for every food item known to man (Starbucks donut: 6, Caramel Macchiato: 4, and on and on and on...)

If you are not one of the responsible parties, don't feel bad. It's not too late. Always feel free to send me a fabulous dress.

Got Mac? Yep. Ability to use Mac... uhhhh, not yet.

So excited about my MacBook, I let the Pastor take my picture in my shorty shorts!

me, in my fabulous pink raincoat

Chocolate Jesus

catch-up

1. There are 6,547,487,051 people in the world, and older step-daughter is THE ONE PERSON who thinks she has special rights to hit, kick, punch, bite, pull hair, etc. when SHE doesn't get HER way. Oh, if the world only worked like this.

2. I got my hair colored. Did the Pastor say gee your hair looks pretty? Nope. He said why are your eyebrows so red? Well, because I got them waxed! But that's not what you are supposed to notice!

3. I bought NEW bedding. Still in that continual stage of purging in our combining of homes. Eighteen months together, and we still have CRAP, yes I mean CRAP (even though I hate that word - there is no better choice), from prior marriages. I've just been in this whole "if she touched it, then it must go" kind of mode, except with the Pastor of course. I haven't ruled out the step-children yet. Anyway, I went to Wal-Mart at 10:00 at night and bought the first non-ugly bedding I liked. Who makes decisions like that? Not me. I also bought M&Ms, so you can tell what kind of mood I was in when I was at the Wal-Mart so late at night, but I did manage to only eat 5 of the M&Ms. That's the thing about Wal-Mart. They get you with that whole "open 24/7" thing. They help you make unnecessary, insane purchasing decisions around the clock.

4. The Pastor preached in Dallas, Texas last weekend, which was nice. Nice, of course, because we got to eat at The Melting Pot (fondue) restaurant on Saturday night. Big picture here people. Not spreading the gospel. Robyn got to eat fondue. Interestingly enough, at church they showed a commercial for the upcoming women's retreat which was being advertised as "Chocolate", "taste and see that the Lord is good." But I wasn't interested because I'd already had enough chocolate fondue the night before. I didn't want to "taste and see" anymore.

5. The best hair season of Sex and the City is when Carrie has no Big and no Aidan and chops it all off - the one where Miranda has Brady. I like the hair so much it makes me want to chop mine off, but then I think the Pastor would still only notice my red eyebrows.

blame The Pastor

It's all his fault.

He bought me the complete collection of Sex and the City. Just what every pastor's wife needs.

It's probably part of his evil plan, to distract me and keep me from blogging about him.

The good news: I've been spending all sorts of time on the treadmill, now that I have something to watch.