I GUESS I WON'T NEED THE PRIA BARS SINCE I'M LYING DEAD IN A DITCH ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!

my clever new way to get out of church

Yesterday morning, the Sabbath, I got out of bed at 8 a.m. I snuck out of the room because I am always very sweet and keep things dark and quiet for the sleepy Pastor.

I am on my way to Starbucks and the serpentine belt (no I don't really know what that is) on the van comes loose again (It's happened before. I think the van is rejecting me as a driver.). I have no power steering. I'm almost to my Starbucks, and I figure I will just hang at my coffee shop until my knight in shining armor comes to my rescue.

Uh oh. I forgot my cell phone. In my effort to be so stealth, I left it plugged in right next to the bed and the sleepy Pastor.

I know my cell phone is on silent. I know the Pastor's cell phone is on silent. I know the Pastor's alarm clock isn't going to go off for two more hours.

I also know that since we have a vacancy in one of our rental properties, and since I am calling from the Starbucks phone, the Pastor isn't going to answer his phone even if he sees it ring, because it's from a strange number. Voice mail!

I'm screwed. At least I knew that and wasn't going to sit there continually calling him and getting all frustrated. I figured he would check his messages when he woke up for church (WRONG!), and in the meantime I'd just hang out and read. Not a bad way to spend a morning at all.

So I sit and I read and drink coffee and drink water and eat my breakfast. I stay there so long they give me a second drink for free. OK, I whined until they gave me a free drink.

The Pastor finally walks in the door. I have no concept of time, because in addition to not having my cell phone I never wear a watch, but that's a whole other story about how irresponsbile Robyn is. I get in the car and realize it is 11:45!!!!! I had no idea it was this late. I have been unproductive at Starbucks for nearly 4 hours!

But the most shocking thing to me, is that the Pastor went to church and preached his sermon without me!

Wasn't he concerned when I wasn't home when he got up?

Nooooooooooooooooo!

Wasn't he concerned that he had a voice mail from a strange number and his wife was missing?

Nooooooooooooooooo!

Wasn't he concerned that he couldn't reach me and he didn't have a text message from me?

Nooooooooooooooooo!

Didn't anyone care that I wasn't at church?

Nooooooooooooooooo!

He said he figured I was just being Tardy Barbie (OK, my words, not his) and I was just running late. He did start to get worried when he started preaching and I hadn't showed, but hey - when you are the preacher it's not like you can just leave.
NOT EVEN IF YOUR WIFE IS DEAD ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. NOPE, THE WORD OF GOD MUST BE SPOKEN.

He had called my phone, but of course it was plugged in and silent. But as I explained to him, if I had been dead in a ditch I couldn't very well have answered my phone, now could I???

He also said he thought maybe the Rapture had occurred and that's why I wasn't at church. That made it even more important for him to go ahead and preach.

Later in the day the Pastor was at Sam's Club and called to ask me if I wanted anything. Yes! Pria bars! French vanilla crisp! A whole case!

He comes home with:
1. corned beef*
2. a case of toilet paper*
3. a case of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal*
4. a case of Honey Nut Cherrios cereal*
5. a case of yogos*
6. an enormous container of chocolate covered raisins*

*all items that Robyn won't eat

and no Pria bars

But but but but but he DID also buy me a fabulous new wrap dress at The Limited and some other stuff, so even if he didn't get the Pria bars (he must think I'm fat and won't buy me food I want) and even if he did leave me dead on the side of the road, I couldn't be upset with him.

And let's face it. Every day the van is in the shop makes it one less day that I'm a van driver.

Good Sabbath.